


One Sided Love Affair

by karmy18



Category: Faking It, Faking It (TV 2014), karmy - Fandom
Genre: F/F, Faking It - Freeform, Through and through - Freeform, When you love someone, a part of you always loves them, a story I wrote back in 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-05-16 14:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19319644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karmy18/pseuds/karmy18
Summary: I wrote this back when season 1 of Faking It was still on air (way back in 2014 for those of us who are counting). I'm finally putting it up here now.This is a story where Karma doesn't feel the same as Amy. Amy has a lot of feels (as one does). The story ensues from there.





	1. Chapter 1

That was the thing, it was like any ordinary night. But it wasn’t. Not for me atleast. Things were different. As hard as I’ve tried to ignore it I just can’t. These feelings for Karma go beyond friendship. I mean who feels this way about a _friend?_ I mean we are sitting here on her bed watching reruns of _America’s Next Top Model_ but I can’t focus on the screen. Her head leans against my shoulder. Her body curled next to mine. I want to support that body. Keep it upright so she can keep me afloat when I feel like I’m drowning in these feelings. I can feel her heart beat a steady drum. I’m aware of her every move and breath. I’m so attuned to her body, every sharp intake of breath every scrunch of her nose. 

But there’s a catch. This love affair is one sided. At school we are a couple, but in actual reality we are two best friends. One girl who is straight and pining after the hottest boy in school. Then me the lesbian, the girl who fell in love with her best friend. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Before that kiss I thought I was straight. That kiss flicked a switch on inside of me that filled me with brilliant light. My whole world became brighter more beautiful.It’s like I can do anything with her by my side.

She has no idea about these feelings. I don’t intend for her to find out. My friendship with her means more than she will ever know. I wouldn’t jeopardize it for the world. That’s why I went along with this “relationship” to begin with. I would do anything to see Karma’s face light up with her bright smile. Her smile makes her eyes sparkle. She has no idea how beautiful she is.

“Amy?” Karma asks, shooting me a look of confusion. I was caught in the act of staring at her, admiring her subtle beauty.

“Yeah?” I can feel my cheeks flush. Caught in the act. I look away to the screen trying to figure out what I missed.

“Do I have something on my face?” Karma asks scratching at her nose.

I can feel her move away from me. I miss the touch of her body resting on mine.

“You got it.” I said in a rush. I scolded myself, I have to be more careful. I couldn’t afford for her to figure out just how deep my feelings went for her.

“You feeling tired?” Karma asked as she dove under the covers of my bed.

“I guess so.” I was wide awake. I knew my face was flushed from the near miss. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep for hours knowing that she was lying right next to me.

Once were under the covers on our respective sides Karma turned off the light. She was about to roll over on her side when she asked, “Amy are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been acting kind of weird tonight?”

Really? Who would have known that you act weird in front of the person you love who you are supposed to be platonic best friends with?

“It’s just been a long day. I’m still getting used to my Mom being so awkward around me. Plus I never know what Lauren is going to do. It’s hard to feel like I’m home when I just feel like an outsider.”

She rolled over to face me. Inches between our faces. “Amy, you know it’s going to get better, right? We’re popular. Everyone wants to be our friends. Your mom will come around. Lauren I’m not so sure. She is bat shit crazy.”

“Hahaha, you’re right.” If only she knew that Lauren was the least of my problems. “Sleep well Karma. Love you.”

“Forever and always.”

We laid there. I listened as her breathing became even and she drifted into deep sleep. I was awake gazing at the sleeping beauty. How could this have happened? Where these feelings always there?

It took every fiber of my being not to close the distance between us. I wanted to feel her body next to mine. The empty air bit at my skin, making me realize how much I physically ached for Karma. 

If only she knew. I thought of how great it would be if we could actually be real girl friends. It would be perfect.

 

I felt stiff and paralyzed as I tried to crane my neck to see where I was. I was sitting outside Karma’s house. Why was I there? What was I waiting for? It was night, the stars where sparkling, mapping out the night sky. I could hear the back door creak open and soft feet pad out.

“Amy how long have you been out her for?” Karma said wiping the sleep from her eyes. She looked groggy but cute in her matching candy striped pajamas.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I just found myself out here looking at the stars.”

Karma plopped down next to me on the bench. “The stars are so pretty tonight.”

“Guiding us through thick and thin.”

“Forever and always.”

Karma had been saying that for years. It was our tagline. Through it all we would always be friends. Because we were Amy and Karma. Best friends, forever and always.

“You know it’s been different lately.” I didn’t know why I was talking. I didn’t know why I was out there. My feet were cold and wet with dew.

“What do you mean?” Karma said her face scrunching up with concern.

“It’s just, you know been different.” I turned to face her. Why did I keep talking?

“Amy, something is wrong.” Concern laced Karma’s voice.

God, sometimes I hated how she knew me so well. It was like she could read my mind.

“You know I can’t lie to you Karma.” I swept a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

Karma grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Just spit it out. You know you can tell me anything.”

I wanted to tell her. I wanted to be able to scream from the mountain tops that I loved Karma. That I didn’t want anything in the world to come between us. That our love was eternal and could not be matched. But how do you get those words to actually come out of your mouth.

“It’s just been since this whole fake girlfriend thing…” I couldn’t get myself to say it.

Karma motioned for me to continue. She pushed a strand of my hair back against my ear. I could feel the heat from her finger tips leave a hot trail on my skin.

“It’s been more than that.” My eyes were locked on the ground. The pebble path leading to the Karma’s parents faith garden. “I don’t think you really get it Karma…”

Karma let go of my hand. I immediately looked at her to see why she let go of my hand. She reached out to cup my cheek and guide my eyes to her.

“Amy spit it out. You know I don’t like these games. You’re too smart for me.” She had a small encouraging smile spread across her delicate face.

“Karma.. it’s just…. It’s just.” My brain was going crazy. I needed to get my vocal chords to cooperate. I needed to get the words out. I could feel hot tears stream down my face. It was going to kill me if I didn’t tell her.

I could feel her catch my tears as they rolled down my face.

“It’s just…” One, two, three “I’m in love with you. Like really in love with you. I love you.” It felt so good to get the words out in the open air.

She looked at me with those brilliant green eyes. All I could think of was how lucky I was to have her in my life.

We were locked in each other fierce gaze for what fell like hours. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. All I knew was that I was waiting for her answer, desperately hoping that she would reciprocate my love.

“Karma.” I whispered.

“Amy.” She whispered back.

“I love you.” I said thrilled to say it again.

She slowly narrowed the gap between us, I caught my breath and waiting for the glorious moment when our lips touched.It was like fireworks. Her lips were sweet and full. I wanted more. I pushed for more. The kiss developed. I couldn’t help but moan her name as her lips traced my neck. “Karma, Karma, Karma.”

“Amy.” I felt a hand shaking my shoulder.

Where was I? Why wasn’t I kissing Karma in the shadow of the stars?

“I think you were having a weird dream. You kept saying my name. I thought something was wrong.” Karma spoke quietly looking concerned.

I would die if she knew what my actual dream was.

I wiped my hand across my face, racking my brain for an excuse. I needed something to draw away from the fact I said her name in my sleep.

“I can’t even remember what my dream was. You must have been saving me from some evil demon.” I said with a smile, surprised by my own ingenuity.

“Hahaha, I guess I’m your knight in shining armor.” Karma said with a giggle.

She was my knight in shining armor. She is everything.

“Since we are both up, I guess we might as well start the day now.” I said throwing off the blankets. I wondered what we would do today. I hoped we could do something special, just the two of us.

“Well it’s funny that you say that. Liam texted me saying he wanted to meet up. So I’m going to see what’s going on.” Karma said nonchalantly as she tossed on her jeans from the day before.

I could feel myself deflate. Why did it have to be Liam Booker? That kid was such a douche, he only liked Karma for being a lesbian. She deserved more. She deserved the best.

“oh, okay. Well maybe we can meet up tonight.” I responded, trying to hide my disappointment.

“That would be great. But who knows what will happen between Liam and me. Today could be the day.” Karma said turning towards me with a quick hug. She started for the door. “I’ll keep you updated. Love you Amy.”

“Forever and always.”

I watched her walk out my room and out of my house. Lauren opened her door to stare at me.

“What?” I demanded.

“How dumb can she be?” She said scathingly.

“What, she’s my best friend?” I retorted.

“You like her a lot more than a best friend. It’s pretty obvious.”

My jaw dropped. How could Lauren tell? If she could see between the lies why couldn’t Karma?

“I feel bad for you actually. I wish she would open her eyes to see what’s in front of her.”

Lauren closed the door leaving me in the hallway. I stood there and attempting to comprehend her words. My love was obvious to everyone but the person I loved. I needed to tell her. I owed it to her and our friendship.. But how could I tell her if I could barely even get the words out in a dream.

Why is it so hard to tell someone you love them. It’s just three words. I love you.

One day. One day she will know that I love her with every fiber of my being. One day.


	2. Chapter 2

There I was alone again. Stuck. Rooted in my doorway. Was Lauren just nice to me? Was my love for Karma that apparent? What the hell was going on with my life?

One second I am just Amy, any other teenage girl. Then I’m Amy the fake-lesbian who is most definitely in love with her fake-girlfriend, straight best friend. Things weren’t okay. Things were anything but okay.

I slowly walked back into my room and shut the door. I could barely comprehend my movements as I shuffled to my bed. I sat down on the edge and hugged my knees to my chest. Attempting to get a grip on what my life had turned into. It was like I was stuck while the entire world kept spinning on without me. I don’t even know how this happened. Well I do, it was the kiss. It changed everything. Every last thing.

Who knows how long I was stuck inside my own mind when my phone buzzed to life. I felt my heart skip a beat hoping it was Karma.

No such luck. It was a text from Shane: GOODMORNING BEAUTIFUL!!!! GUESS WHAT YOU AND I ARE SPENDING THE DAY TOGETHER!!!!

So many exclamation points in soo little time.

I could feel a smile cross my face, Shane could always lift my spirits. He knew what it was like. He was a surprisingly good listener. I don’t really know how I became friends with one of the most popular kids in school. Put that on the list for all of the absurd things that have happened this year.

I texted him back: Good morning to you, too… What’s on the agenda?

Shane: I’ll be at your place in 10, get ready!

I looked down and realized I was still in my pajamas. I would have to get ready quick.

Me: k, see you soon.

Once I got dressed I had time to grab a granola bar from the pantry before Shane knocked on the door. I could see the visible relief spread across my mother’s face when she saw it was a boy waiting for me.

“Honey, remember we have church tomorrow.” She said looking back down at her breakfast.

How could I forget? She has been on my case to go to church ever since she found out about my supposedly fake relationship with Karma. As if my relationship with God could change my sexuality and suddenly stop me from being gay.

“How could I forget?” I muttered as I opened the door. “Bye, Mom” I say with a glance back seeing her forehead crease in concentration. Something always called attention away from me. It was like she could only give me attention when she criticized me, calling me out on my flaws.

“Hey, you look like you could use some more sleep.” We got in his car. “Rough night?”

Where to start? “You know when you are having a dream and you don’t really want it to end?” I buckled my seat belt.

“Yeah, this one time I was having this intense make-out session with Ryan Gosling and then all of a sudden my mom woke me up. Let’s just say I wouldn’t talk to her for days.”

“Yeah, mine wasn’t with Ryan Gossling but I sure didn’t want it to end.” I said staring out the windshield.

He used his free hand to grasp my hand. I could feel his eyes boring into me with sympathy and probably pity.

I couldn’t take it so I changed the subject, “So what are we doing today?”

“Well Liam canceled on me. We had a total day planned out. So now you get to experience the awesomeness that is my world. It is all about the buddy day today.” He said with a wicked grin plastered across his face.

It looked like that Liam was effecting both of us. Who could like this guy? What did he have going for him other than his good looks?

“Sounds interesting.”

“That’s an understatement.” He steered the car into a parking lot.

He got out of the car and grabbed a picnic basket and blanket from his car.

“Event number 1, have a delicious picnic and enjoy the great outdoors.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Shane tried so hard to be nice. He was a genuinely good person. I could get used to him actually wanting to hang out with me.

We moseyed along the artificial green grass to an empty spot in between families with too many kids to count. I helped him spread out the blanket and set out the food.

“You really out did yourself.” I was amazed with the variety of cheeses, sandwiches and pastries. Karma and I had had picnics but never something with such class.

“You know what I always say.” He paused to look at me. “Go big or go home. And in this case, I went big. Who wants to be home on a day like this?”

I couldn’t help but laugh.

I dug into the food not realizing how hungry I was. Being emotionally confused and devastated took more out of me then I realized.

“So” Shane said looking at me after spreading a gourmet cheese on a cracker.

“So?”

“I guess Liam messed up the plans for both of us today.”

I couldn’t look at him. I looked down at my lap and played with his hands. “I guess you could say that.” I said quietly.

“Amy? ”

I nodded my head but couldn’t get myself to look at him. I could feel my eyes moisten with tears. I was so sick of crying all the time. I didn’t want to cry yet again in front of Shane.

“Amy.” He said gently. “Come on look at me.”

I took a deep breath and looked into his dark kind eyes. “You know love is a tricky thing. You lose yourself in someone and forget about yourself. I, myself have been there too many times. But there is something you have to remember. You have to be honest. Honest with yourself. Honest with those around you. Honest with the person you love. You just have to be honest.”

I felt my chin quiver. I furiously blinked my eyes in a last ditch effort to keep the tears back.

He sat there looking at me. Letting his words sink in.

It was too much. I could feel a cry build from my chest and explode from my mouth. I covered my face with my hands. Attempting to recollect my self as more sobs racked through my body.

“Sweety, come here.” Shane pulled me into a tight hug. He rubbed my back and let me weep against his chest.

Eventually I got a hold of myself. I slowly disengaged from his hug and wiped at my face. He handed me a tissue and looked down at his tear and snot ridden shirt.

“You should be glad I actually like you. I don’t let many people ruin my good clothes with their bodily functions.”

A cackle emanated from my lips. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” He said with a wave of his hand. “Feelings aren’t easy. Especially when you first come out and you have your first relationship. It’s like a tidal wave. You need to reach out for help before you get swept out to sea.”

“Yeah.”

“But, Amy?” He said his face becoming serious.

“Be honest with yourself. If you can’t be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with?”

I let his words soak in. Honesty. It used to be so easy. But now, it scares the shit out of me. I have all these feelings. Feelings I couldn’t put words too.

After a while, he motioned to get up and we packed up the picnic and got back in his car.

“So what’s next?” I said as turned out of the parking lot heading towards downtown Austin.

“Poetry slam. It’s Saturday.” He said with a grin.

“poetry slam?” I could feel a cold nervous sweat coming on.

“Yeah. Don’t worry I won’t make you get up and perform something. I know it takes time. I prepare a little piece every week. You know its good to bear your soul every once in a while.”

If only I could be someone strong and self aware as Shane. He seemed like he had life figured out. Then there was me. Completely lost and treading water with my crazy emotions.

We pulled up to a little hipster coffee shop I had never even realized was in the center of town.

“Come on, the fans are waiting.” He said and grabbed a little black notebook from his central console.

 

I was pleasantly surprised by the poetry slam. Who would of known that some members of this community could be so creative and bold. All these people coming together listening, performing and respecting each other.It was a rainbow of emotions on display. There was humor, raw pain, smiles and tears. Shane was right honesty was the only way to set a person free. Vocalizing their feelings set them free.

Shane kept surprising me. His wisdom was priceless. He saved me from a day of moping around. Instead he gave me a day of wonder and inspiration. I was forever indebted to him.

Before I knew it he pulled into my driveway. “That was fun Amy. You seem to be the perfect candidate for my weekend adventures.”

“I would love that, Shane.” I couldn’t help but smile. He was unique and wasn’t afraid to do what he wanted.

“And, Amy?” He interjected as I was opened my door.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t forget what I said. About honesty. It’s going to be hard but you will be happier. Honesty is always the best policy.”

I got out of the car and looked back at him. “Honesty. I can work on that.”

“Good” He smiled and waved at me, “Now I have a date of my own so wish me luck.” His eyes held a little twinkle of joy.

I couldn’t help but grin and give him a thumbs up, “I don’t even think you need luck. But, good luck Shane. And thanks… Really, thank you.”

He knew better than to say anything. He gave me a small nod and a smile that said it all.

I walked up and into my house to see my family about to eat dinner. There was an extra plate set up.

“Hi honey, I thought that nice looking young man could come and join us for dinner.” My mom said with a disappointing look in her eyes.

“Next time.” I said trying to maintain the peace.

I felt generous and joined in the prayer before we ate. My mom gave me a small smile that I hadn’t witnessed in ages. It was almost like it was before.

“Thanks for dinner. I will wash the dishes.” I said as we got up from the meal.

“How sweet of you honey, thanks. I’m glad you hung out with that young man. He seems to have done you good.” She patted my shoulder and gave me a reassuring look.

I bit my lip so I didn’t grimace at my mother. Only she could ruin what was supposed to be a genuine moment.

I finished washing the dishes and headed up to my room. I sat down at the computer about to start on my English homework when my phone buzzed.

Karma’s face lit up the screen with her text: HEY!!!! You’ll never believe what happened today!!!

My stomach dropped, my heart skipped a beat. I had to slowly count to ten three times before I could text her back.

I texted her: hey. Want me to come to your house or mine?

Karma: Come over, NOW!!!!

I was out the door before I realized I got up from my chair. My legs walked me to Karma’s house, while my brain was a mess with thoughts and emotions.

I have to be honest, I have to be honest. I have to be honest.

 

I walked up to her front door. Took a deep breath and knocked.


	3. Chapter 3

“Amy you will never believe it!”

Maybe I didn’t want to believe it.

“Karma what’s up?” I answered as she tugged me towards her room.

“It almost happened.” She couldn’t stop grinning, her green eyes sparkled with joy.

“What almost happened?” My stomach plummeted.

“Me and Liam Booker. He nearly swiped my v-card tonight. I am totally going to lose my virginity to the hottest guy in the school.” She looked at me expectantly, urging me to congratulate her for this so called accomplishment.

“Karma.” I muttered under my breath, attempting to hide my disappointment. Should I be happy for my friend or jealous for the girl that I love?

“Amy.” Her face fell, crushed by my reaction.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

“Karma.” I want to tell her. I need to tell her. “Why didn’t you do the deed tonight?”

She looked at me with a mischievously. “Well, timing. It just so happens that it’s my time of the month. You know that’s no way to lose your virginity.”

“Wait, don’t you have your period right now to?”

I shook my head no.

“We always get it at the same time. We’re always in synch.” She looked perturbed, like something was bothering her.

I took a breath, it was the only thing I could get myself to physically do. This was only further proof of how distant we were. We always were in synch until our fake relationship at least. I’m glad she realized that something was different between us. Even if it was something as simple as a mismatched period schedule.

“Karma.”

“What, Amy?” She was swinging her arms back and forth like she couldn’t hold still.

“I am glad you are waiting. But don’t you need to find some things out before you have sex with Liam?”

“Like what?” She interjected.

“Well, you need to start with getting him tested for STD’s and STI”s. You don’t know where he’s been.”

A frustrated expression transformed her face.

“And on your end-“

“I’m already covered.” She looked at me and whipped out a condom.

I don’t consider myself a prude but a hot blush crept up my neck threatening to explode onto my cheeks.

“You know what they say, you never know what could happen so always be prepared.”

I could only stare. I didn’t know what to do next. Before I knew it my mouth was doing the talking. “I kissed Oliver. I mean really kissed him.”

A small smile formed on Karma’s lips. Just as soon as the smile came across her face, it disappeared as she knitted her face together in confusion. “What, when did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t know what to say. I needed to be honest. I was being honest about Oliver. I just couldn’t get myself to say what I truly needed to, to tell her I loved her.

“Amy Raudenfield” Karma playfully scolded me. Her signature grin was back. Her eyes showed that she wasn’t mad. Instead they showed that she was excited if not thrilled. “At least give me the details!”

“Well…” That was the thing. The kiss made me feel nothing. It only reinforced my romantic feelings for my straight best friend. “It was okay I guess…” I could feel my face burning. I didn’t think I could turn any deeper shade of red.

“Do you think you will be kissing Oliver more? He seems like an ideal secret boyfriend.”

Karma walked towards me, grabbing my hand attempting to share her happiness and excitement for me.

“I doubt it. I mean he’s a nice guy, don’t get me wrong. It’s just I didn’t feel it.” I avoided looking at her eyes. I didn’t want her to tell me that I was hiding something or leaving out the most important detail.

“Feel what?”

I know she was trying to be nice. But I was already stepping on fragile ground and I honestly didn’t know the answer myself.

“You know, that feeling. When you connect with someone on a deeper level, beyond the physical. I mean the actual kiss was fine. I don’t want to lead him on or hurt him though. Oliver’s a good guy. Just not the person for me.”

I gently removed my hands from hers and slowly walked to the bed. She followed and sat down next to me. She put her arms around my shoulders. I could feel my body temperature noticeably rise.

“I’m sorry Amy. You will find someone I promise.” She said sympathetically.

My brain screamed at me to open my mouth and tell her I had already found that special someone. Where would that put me? I knew I could never act on these feelings. Acknowledging my romantic feelings for Karma would cause monumental consequences that I wasn’t ready for.

This moment of realization felt like a slap in the face. “I guess.” I murmured into her shoulder as she pulled me into a hug.

As I pulled away, a smile was back on her simple, round, gorgeous face. “That means you will have some extra time and can help me ‘prepare’ for my big night.”

I had to stifle a shudder that demanded to rip through my body. “I guess.”

“I know you don’t think it’s the right choice, but I like him. He likes me. And we have a physical connection. It’s like we spark each time we touch.”

She looked at me with those doe eyes that are impossible to say no to. I know that she was on cloud 9 about Liam. But does that mean I should be happy for her as a friend? Or should I be wary of the consequences of her actions? Then there were the pangs of jealousy that I shoved to the back of my mind.

I always put Karma first. My joy was her joy and vice versa, except when it came to Liam Booker. Why would I put myself first in front of my best friend who only wanted to be happy?

She turned around to face me. A look of surprise blew across her face. “I guess that’s it then. I am going to have sex with Liam Booker. Me, Karma Ashcraft is going to lose her virginity to the hottest guy in school. What could be better?”

She didn’t want to hear the answer to that question. To her life was falling together. My life was falling to pieces.


	4. Chapter 4

What happened to being honest?

I was mad at myself for hiding from my best friend. She deserved the best from me. She has seen me at my worst before. She is the one who pulled me out of the darkness when my dad died. If she could help me then why couldn’t she deal with me now?

The nagging feeling that I was lying to my best friend bothered me all the way home.

I couldn’t believe Karma was dead set on sleeping with Liam. There was no way that they actually connected emotionally. Karma was setting herself up for heartbreak. When she got hurt I got hurt. I would have to figure out how to prevent her from getting her heart broken.

I walked into the house to see my mom on the couch staring out into space. She looked as if she was anywhere but home.

“Mom”

“Mom?” My voice escalated with concern.

My mom snapped out of her zone. Her back snapped back into perfect posture. Her face turned red. She looked embarrassed as if I had caught her in the middle of a lewd act.

“Mom?” I could hear my voice crack as the fear and pain I tried to hide rushed to the surface.

She turned towards me and looked me dead on, “You know you really threw me for a loop, with your homecoming out thing. I’m glad my daughter is homecoming queen though.” It was impossible to read her facial expressions. Her mouth curled into a small smile about the homecoming queen thing. Yet her eyes looked tired and anxious. There were to many contradictions to count.

“Yeah about that.” I walked and gently sat down one couch cushion away from her. “That’s not how I wanted to tell you. I’m really sorry.”

That was the truth. I was sorry. I didn’t want my mom to find out like that. It just happened.

“Honey…” My mom whispered as a single tear streaked down her face. Soon her eyes flooded with tears that cascaded down her face. She sat there rigid as if she didn’t even know that she was crying.

We sat there waiting for the other person to speak. I didn’t know what she wanted from me. From her I wanted love, kindness and support. What she wanted from me? Probably a normal daughter.

Her chin started to precariously waver. “You know I’ll always love you? You know that right?”

I knew my mom loved me. But she never said it. Her love was expressed through her backhanded compliments and physical gestures. It was foreign for her to manifest positive feelings into a cohesive sentence.

“I know.” That’s the thing. I did know. My mom and I were completely different people. But we were mother and daughter. “I love you too.”

She wrapped me into a tight embrace. It felt like she was attempting to transfer her emotions through the hug.

She gently pulled away from me and wiped at her face. I wasn’t sure what was going on. Or what made my mom communicate these feelings with me. I just knew it was monumental.

“I know it hasn’t been easy for you. We have had a lot of changes around here.”

I nodded. It was challenging to get used to sharing a home with Lauren and her dad. It wasn’t the same house that I had grown up in. It was like my life was fundamentally changing in every way.

“I just wasn’t expecting-no that is wrong. I was just surprised.” My mom continued. She kept rearranging her hands nervously on her lap.

She paused, took a deep breath and plunged on. “You know you are truly lucky if you can find love. I won the lottery by falling in love with two great men who have made my life so special. If you find love you need to hold onto it. Speak your feelings and enjoy your time together. Love is one of the greatest things a person experiences in their life. That extends out to whomever you love, always.”

I had to consciously close my mouth since my jaw had dropped to the floor. My mom had just given me approval to be a lesbian. I could hardly fathom it. She gave me a loving sentiment without saying something negative. I had to pinch myself to make sure I was awake. 

My mom reached out to grab my hand. She gave me a gentle smile She looked exhausted as if she had just run a marathon. “You really love her?”

“Yes.” It wasn’t a question. It was the truth. I was sure of my feelings for Karma. It was love.

“Then she is a lucky girl to have my Amy’s love.”

I blushed from my head to my toes. I would never think my mom could be so nice and reaffirming about my life, specifically my love life.

“You know your dad would be happy for you.”

I could feel tears pricking at my eyes.

As much as I complained about my mom I needed and craved her attention, support and love.

“He would be happy that you found someone you truly love.” I said looking my mom in the eyes, really looking at her. Words could not properly convey the emotions that I was feeling.

Looking deep into my mom’s eyes it was then that I saw who she really was, beyond being my mom. She was a woman, with one deceased husband, a new fiancé. A single mother to a teenage daughter, and soon to be a step mom to another teenage girl. She was doing what she thought was right. She followed her heart and was honest. She was strong, courageous, brave and beautiful.

“Sweetie.” She murmured as a new wave of tears streaked down her cheeks.

I pulled her into a hug. This time we held each other up as if we were in a tumultuous sea. This was my attempt to communicate how much I need and appreciated our conversation.

After we disengaged I could see relief spread across her face. I could feel happiness coarse through my veins.

We moved off the couch and headed upstairs to our respective bedrooms.

“Good night Mom.”

“Good night Amy.”

Just as we broke for our separate rooms she gave me a kiss on the cheeks. She carefully spoke, “Karma truly is lucky. Amy, you deserve love. Experience it. All of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Love is worth it, every little bit of it. It’s what me and your dad always wanted you to have.”

I hesitated. I could see a glimpse of sadness in her eyes even though she gave me a warm smile. “I love you Mom.”

“Love you too, Amy. Sleep well.”

She turned and walked into her room. I was standing there in my hallway yet again. I realized what I needed to do. I pulled out my phone and shot a text to Karma before I could think otherwise: Tomorrow can we meet up to talk. For real. I need to talk to you. Not tonight though. I just had the weirdest yet loving talk with my mom. I don’t want to talk it out tonight. But tomorrow I need and want to talk it out. So can you save the day for me?

By the time I closed the door to my room, my phone buzzed with Karma’s response: Of course. I’ll always be here for you, forever and always. Tomorrow my day is yours.


	5. Chapter 5

My heart lodged in my throat. Tomorrow I have to tell Karma. Tomorrow Karma will know the truth, the whole truth.

That night I could barely sleep. I was restless. I rolled around the entire night. My mind was on overdrive thinking about the conversation I would soon have with Karma. I thought all of the things I could say. I just hoped that when it came down to it, I could actually get the words out of my mouth.

I woke up at 6:30 and my body wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep. I laid there mulling over how much my life had changed in such a short period of time.Compared to just a few months ago, my life was unrecognizable. It was mind blowing how life can change in an instant. Who would or could have known that this is how my life could turn out?

Finally at 8:13 my phone chirped, a text message from Karma: Good morning lovely. Just woke up. I’ll head over to your house after I get dressed. I’ll pick up our usual coffee on the way.

After I read the text I couldn’t stop myself from pacing around my room. I still hadn’t wrapped my head around the fact that I was going to come clean to Karma. It was a ballsy move. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences. I was just thinking about the importance of honesty. I owed it to myself and Karma to voice my true feelings.

I had no idea what to wear. What are you supposed to wear when you bear your soul? I searched the depths of my closet, I choose simple grey sweats that showed off what little ass I had and a plain black long sleeve shirt that I could pull past my wrists to give my hands something to fidget with.

The doorbell rang. I rushed down the stairs to open the door.

Immediately after I opened the door I could see Karma was worried and burdened with concern. Her forehead was scrunched up and her lips were drawn in a straight line. “Hey.”

“Hey. Good morning.” I ushered her into the kitchen so we could eat our breakfast.

“Amy is everything ok?” Karma asked as we started on our breakfasts.

“Let’s wait till we get upstairs, ok?” I said in a quick breath.

The look of concern and fear deepened on her face. She gave me a curt nod.

We sat in calm silence as we finished our coffees. It was like we were both in our own worlds but in the same physical room. It was bizarre and unsettling.

Once we both finished we walked upstairs silently. Once we got into my room, Karma quickly shut the door and turned to face me. “Amy you are kinda, no, you are actually freaking me out.”

I was freaking out. I was trying my best to remain calm, cool and collected on the outside. I had no idea if I was successful or not. I was concentrating on getting the right words out. My brain was going a million miles an hour.

I wanted to start out by filling in the details about the conversation I had with my mom. I figured it would be a good place to start, and less painful than any other part of the conversation. “You are never going to believe what my mom said last night.” I kept reminding myself to breathe.

“What is she leaving Bruce?” Karma said trying to feign excitement and positivity.

“No. She loves him. She is not going to leave him. She talked to me about love and how special it is.” I paused and tried to read Karma’s expression. She was waiting for me to finish the story.

I took another deep breath and continued. “She said that a person is truly lucky if they find love. That once you find love you need to hold onto it. Love is one of the best things in a person’s life. Then she basically approved of me being a lesbian.”

“Seriously?” Karma was shocked and reluctant to believe it.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought too… There’s more though. She said that whoever I fall in love with is the luckiest, girl or boy.”

Before I had a moment to collect my thoughts and continue talking, Karma cut in. “Why didn’t you tell her you weren’t a lesbian?” She looked earnest and confused. She didn’t see the truth right in front of her face.

I was dreading the question of identifying my sexuality. There was no easy answer to such a complex question. I had no idea who I was or who I would be in the future. I knew that in the present I loved Karma. Does this make me a lesbian? Maybe. But in the future that might change. But in that moment, I loved another female. I loved Karma.

I pulled my sleeves above my wrists attempting to control my body movements. I took three deep breaths and forced myself to talk, “That’s the thing Karma. I am a lesbian.”

 

Karma’s shoulders instantly shot up and she scooted away from me without thinking twice. “Amy?” Her voice was laced with confusion. She was absolutely flabbergasted.

I looked at her silently begging her to connect the dots.

“Amy.” Pause. “You’re a lesbian?” Karma appeared to be in a state of disbelief and panic.

“Yes”

“How do you know?” She interjected.

“You, Karma.” I gestured towards her.

A blush bloomed across her face. I can tell she wasn’t expecting my answer. She didn’t know how to react. After an awkward pause I found my voice, “It all comes back to our first kiss in front of the school. It was like you set something ablaze within me. I have tried to find someone else to love. I was the one who kissed Oliver. I wanted to like him. I wanted to have something with him. But I felt nothing. I went on a date with another girl. But I felt nothing. It comes back to you Karma. It always comes back to you. I’m in love with you, Karma.”

She starred at me in utter disbelief. She had slowly crawled as far away from me as possible. Her head rested against my desk.She hugged her knees to her chest.

I waited for her to say something, anything. But she just stared putting more distance between us. I could feel walls forming.

It felt like someone had ripped out my beating heart. My entire body shuddered I wanted to crawl into fetal position and shut out the world. It took all of my control not to shout out in pain.

I could feel tears streaming down my face. “I love you Karma. I truly love you.” I repeated, hoping she would respond differently.

I held my breath as she opened and closed her mouth fishing for words She looked around the room. Each second she was silent I felt like I was being struck. I struggled to breathe. My heart raced. My palms were cold but slick with sweat. Finally, after what felt like forever her gaze settled on me and uttered one single word, “huh”

“huh” I repeat back to her. I could feel anger welling inside me. There were too many emotions. Huh wasn’t going to cover it. There was more to be said. More had to be said.

There was another awkward pause as tears streaked down my face. I refused to wipe them away and dismiss my true feelings.

“Amy, what do you want me to say?” She asked breathlessly.

“Just say something. Anything.” She looked at me completely lost. I barely recognized the person sitting across from me. “I just bared my soul. The best you can do is say something more than ‘huh’”

She rubbed her hands into her face, as if she was trying to erase the memory from her brain. “Amy”

I looked at her. My best friend. The person who I loved. I tried to bridge the gap between us. She only moved farther away from me.

Each second stung. I didn’t know how things could get any worse.

“I don’t know what to say.” Karma spat out, “I didn’t expect this. I didn’t want this. How am I supposed to feel and act when my best friend tells me not only that she’s a lesbian but that she’s also in love with me?”

It was a sucker punch. I could feel the air rush out of me. I struggled to breathe. I felt like my entire world was collapsing.

“Karma.” I didn’t want her to react this way. This was going badly. It was like a nightmare. I pinched myself trying to make my self wake up. I only felt pain. This was real life. I couldn’t escape from it. “Do you think I wanted to fall in love with my platonic and straight best friend? I have tried everything. The way I feel about you scares the shit out of me. But I need to be honest. You and I both deserve that.”

Another awkward pause filled the air as I was finally able to take a deep breath.

“Amy.” Karma said rushing to stand up and escape the room. “I just can’t. Okay? I just can’t.”

She ran from the room. She refused to look back. I let out a sharp cry that quickly dissolved into wails. My pain echoed through my sobs. In those moments I felt utterly alone. I felt shattered as if someone had stolen my heart and soul leaving my body for the vultures.

I didn’t know how long I wept. But eventually I ran out of tears. At a certain point you just have nothing left.

I got up from the floor and attempted to do something other than wallow in my emotions. I tried to do my homework but I was a world away. I had dinner with my family but I felt like I was in a separate dimension. My mom looked at me with concerned eyes. She gave me a hug, but I was unable and incapable of communicating my emotions. It was like my voice had disappeared and I had no way of speaking. I was empty.

That night went by in a haze. I went through the motions. I knew my life had irrevocably changed, but I desperately wanted to ignore the truth that was staring me in the face.


	6. Chapter 6

I don’t remember getting up that Monday morning. I don’t know what I had for breakfast. I vaguely remember my mom giving me a gentle and reassuring squeeze. Even Lauren patted my shoulder. I felt as if someone had turned a switch off within me. I couldn’t fathom my act of honesty. I couldn’t bear to the think of the repercussions. So I turned on autopilot and told myself to breathe.

I got to school and walked straight to my locker. Just as I opened my locker and grabbed my textbooks Shane appeared. He started to tell me about his date. As I shut my locker and finally looked at him his eyes went wide. His smile was wiped off his face and replaced with a grimace.

I didn’t have to say anything. My face said it all. I had put it all on the line and lost. I had and was nothing.

“Amy” Shane cooed as he embraced me. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

It felt good to be in his arms. For the first time I felt safe but before I knew it the hug was over. He looked me in the eyes with kindness and spoke, “Amy. I’m here for you. Always.”

I nodded and he walked off to his class.

I went to my first class and attempted to listen and take notes but it was as if I saw everything though a thick layer of film.

I finally got to lunch. I sat down next to Shane who put his hand around my shoulder. He tried to cheer me up. I appreciated how good of a friend he was. “Hey Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a really good friend.”

A small smile spread on his face. “Yes. I’m awesome. Nothing new. But it’s always nice to hear. Let me tell you about my date…”

He went on and on but I found it comforting. His voice was reassuring and steady. I liked listening to him even if I couldn’t process his words.

Suddenly Karma started to walk to our table. Shane seethed and quietly hissed.

Seeing her stole my breath away. It hurt just to see her. I could feel my heart beating erratically. Her auburn hair was tied back in a simple pony tail. She wasn’t wearing her normal amount of makeup. She only had simple black eyeliner on. She was wearing black sweats and a red baggy Hester High shirt. It was apparent that something was bothering her.

Once she got to the table she stopped and took a second to collect herself.

She reached into her bag and handed me an envelope with my name written on it.

Just as soon as she appeared she left without a word. She never looked back.

Shane was beside himself in anger. I could only stare at the letter in my hands. My heart was in my throat, my head was pounding. I don’t know how or why my heart kept beating.

“Amy. Amy. Amy!” Shane was practically yelling, “Come back to planet Earth.”

“Okay.”I said quietly my eyes still fixed on the letter.

“What a bitch. She could have at least said something, anything.” He shook his head. “Are you going to read it?”

“Yes.” It wasn’t a question.

“Now?”

“No. I’ll read it afterschool. I’m not ready.”

The bell rang signaling the procession of the school day. I could feel Shane’s eyes on me. He felt bad for me. He was also curious about the letter.

We stood up together and moved through the hallways. I don’t know what made my legs move or how I got to where I needed to be but I got to my next class.

Before we split for separate classes he told me that he was there for me. The concern was painted across his face. I nodded and forced myself to breathe and actually live.

I was on autopilot for the rest of the day. It felt like I was in a trance. I was physically present. But mentally, I was anywhere but there. I should have skipped and gone home to read the letter. I was unable to focus in my classes. 

After school let out I immediately went home. In an effort to calm down I forced myself to drink a glass of water. I could feel the weight of the letter in my bag. It commanded my attention. The letter held my future.

I slowly walked to my room and quietly shut the door. I shrank to the floor and took one last look at Karma’s unmistakable handwriting of my name. Then I gently opened the letter.

 

 

Dear Amy,

God why does this have to be so formal?

I’m writing this to you at 3:30 in the morning. I can’t sleep. I haven’t been able to function since our conversation. So I am going to do the only thing I can think of, write a letter.

 

I’m sorry. Like I’m really really sorry. I know I froze when you opened up to me. I know how much it meant for you to open up and talk about your feelings. That was really shitty of me. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to say and I did the wrong thing by saying nothing. But I don’t have the words, I still don’t.

One thing I do know is that you were right about being honest. We both deserve that. So here it goes…

 

If I had known that our fake relationship would lead to this I never would have given it a second thought. That’s how much I value our friendship.

I wish things didn’t have to change. It would be so much easier if we could go back to before the kiss. It would make life so much easier.

But life doesn’t work that way. And you know what they say, karma’s a bitch. It’s true.

I’ve proved that one.

 

 

Amy why do you love me? What do you even see in me that makes me attractive? You and I know each other so well. I never thought romantic love was even possible for us.

 

So yeah, Amy… I don’t love you that way. I love you in the way I would love a sister. I don’t love you the way you love me.

I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.

 

I wish that things wouldn’t be so hard. That decisions would be easy and life would go as planned. But that’s not life, it never will be.

For once I am going to put you first. You have always put me first. It’s time I do something for you. I know that being around me knowing that I don’t share the same feelings will be painful. I want you to get over me so we can go back to being friends. Because, Amy, that’s what we are, best friends, just best friends.

I will give you the time and space you need so you can get over me. It won’t be easy for either of us but I can’t see any other way. I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. When you’re ready we can go back to being Amy and Karma best platonic friends ever. But until then we both should take a step back and find who we really are. Cause it seems like we lost it somewhere along the way.

 

Your Friend,

Karma

 

P.S. I’ll always be there for you, forever and always.


	7. Chapter 7

Your Friend,

Karma

P. S. I’ll always be there for you, forever and always.

 

What. The. Hell.

I had to read the letter again, and again, and again. Soon I had memorized her words. Each time I closed my eyes her words seared against my eyelids.

I didn’t get it. I didn’t want to get it. Karma had essentially friendship broke up with me until I got over her.

How can this even be possible? How did I get here? Where do I go from here?

I was sitting on my bed frozen, my hands locked on the letter that effectively ripped my heart out when Lauren started to bang on my door.

“Dinner… Dinner!”

“Amy. God damn it. Dinner.”

I dragged my feet towards the door and moved to open it. My left hand was fastened on the paper refusing to let it go.

I looked at Lauren and her face transformed. Sympathy was painted in her eyes.

Lauren reached for the letter. “Give it to me.”

I had no fight left in me. She carefully pried it from my fingers.

“Jesus.” Lauren muttered as she read through the letter. She carefully placed the letter on my desk for further investigation. “I’m not even this cold, and that’s saying something.”

I was rooted there in the doorway. Her words bounced off of me. I couldn’t feel anything but the sheer agony of rejection and sorrow.

“No one should say this.” Lauren said looking back at me. “Amy? Amy?”

It took a few seconds for me to regain my voice and make my mouth spit out the words. “Yeah?” I asked, my voice sounding hollow.

“Karma’s a bitch.”

Lauren gently guided me downstairs to the kitchen table.

I sat there at dinner pushing my food around my plate. I could only eat a few bites. My body hurt. There was an agonizing ache set deep within my bones.

My mom looked at me with compassion and sympathy. She knew something had happened. She didn’t need to ask. “honey, let’s go shopping tomorrow. Retail therapy always makes me feel better. Lauren you can come too. We will make a girls night of it.”

I couldn’t help but smile. My mom was going back to being normal. “okay.” I said. “May I be excused? “ I asked politely.

“Of course.” Bruce answered in his deep authoritative voice.

As I deposited my plate into the dishwasher I could feel their eyes on my back. They were all worried about me. It was foreign to think that these people cared and felt bad for me. I didn’t think I was connected to these people. But even in the midst of my pain I realized that this was my home. This was my family. It was reassuring. I knew I had people to fall back on. But the pain I felt in that moment refused to subside.

I attempted to give them a smile before I left the room. I couldn’t get my facial muscles to work properly. The looks of was apparent on each of their faces.

I climbed back up the stairs and settled back into my room. My phone buzzed once I closed the door. For one split second I let myself hope it was Karma, apologizing and asking/allowing our friendship to go back to normal.

It was Shane: What’s up, Girly?

I responded back: not much, hbu?

Shane: Guess who got asked out for a second date?

This guy.

Me: Congrats! Want to come over and tell me about it. I promise you can interact with my mom, too.

He instantly texted me back: For sure. See you soon.

I had to prep myself to feign excitement for Shane. I was looking forward to his voice filling in the gap between my ears that echoed Karma’s written words. I knew I shouldn’t be alone with my thoughts.

The doorbell rang. Before I could get downstairs I heard my mom’s voice ring out. “Now look who it is. Shane, what a gentlemen.”

I could hear Shane’s smile, “The pleasure is all mine.”

They bantered on for a few minutes before Shane and I headed to my room.

“God your mom is so awesome.”

“Yeah.” I nodded in agreement. “So tell me again about this guy.”

Shane was thrilled to talk about his successful love life. He educated me about Doug, his new love interest. He told me about his type, effective flirting patterns, his winning smile and everything in between. He was clearly a seasoned pro at the dating game.

After an hour, he momentarily ran out of words to describe his love life and experiences. He paused and took a second to look at me, really look at me. Beyond how I physically looked to how I was actually feeling. I could feel him visually probing me. He saw the pain and discomfort hidden within me.

“Amy?” He asked kindly.

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.”

He shook his hands signaling me to continue.

“I feel numb.” The pain within me had subsided to a consistent level that throbbed with each beat of my heart.

My eyes must have strayed to my desk because before I knew it Shane had grabbed the letter. He kept muttering, “What a bitch.”

It was clear he felt the same way as Lauren.

“Jesus that was cold.” He said putting the letter back on my desk.

“Yeah. That’s the same reaction Lauren had.” I said my eyes focusing on the carpet.

“For once we agree. You can’t say those things to a person. You just can’t.”

He sat down next to me on my bed. He quietly said, “You deserve better.”

I let his words wash over me. I wish I could believe them.

We sat there in mutual silence. I didn’t have anything left to say.

Shane stayed for another hour. He filled my room with chatter. I learned what his favorite food, color, movie and television show. I learned what he hated. I was amazed that he always had something to say. He could go on talking forever.

As I walked him to the door my mom appeared out of nowhere. “Don’t be a stranger honey.”

Shane’s eyes lit up. “I won’t. I promise to be around frequently. One of these days Amy will have to come to my house and you will have to meet my mom, too.”

A toothy grin grew across my mom’s face. “I would love that. We could have a barbeque.”

“I’ll pass the word on. My parents would absolutely love that.”

“Perfect. Good night Shane.” My mom said with a wave and backed out of the room.

I titled my head to the side. “You are amazing Shane. Has anyone ever told you that?”

He gave me a crooked smile. “Yes, but I love hearing it time and time again. It’s refreshing.”

He pulled me in for one last hug and murmured in my ear, “You’re going to be okay Amy.”

I desperately wanted his words to be true. But in that moment okay felt far far away. I gave him a weak smile as he left.

I went back to my room. I could feel the letter sitting on my desk. It was a burden, it felt like it was pushing down on my shoulders.

I read it again. And again. The person who I needed to talk to about this was Karma. She was the person who I always talked to about this type of stuff. Now she was the one who wanted to put space between us. She had built walls to separate us.

I did the only thing I could think of. I reached for paper and a pen. If Karma could writeme a letter, I could write her a letter.

I stared at the paper in front of me willing my hand to write. I didn’t know how I could manifest my feelings into words.Karma was the one who was good with feelings and expressing emotions. Me, I just stood there awkwardly then eventually I inappropriately explode at people.

I picked up my pen tentatively and wrote.

Dear Karma

 

I could feel my pulse roar in my ears. My breath was shallow. I forced myself to put the pen down and count to ten. I thought to myself, I literally have nothing left to lose. Karma has already rejected me. I have the right and need to express my feelings.

I cracked my knuckles. I took a deep breath. I reached for the pen. Suddenly the pen started to zoom across the page. I got lost in my words. My wrist was crying out but I refused to stop until I had left it all on the page.

Dear Karma,

God I can’t believe it’s come to this.

This hurts. This fucking hurts so much.

I wish it was easy as going back to being best friends. Before I loved you romantically. Before Liam Booker. Before being outed. Before the kiss in the gym. I just wish we could go back.

But that’s the thing, we can’t go back. We just can’t.

 

I’m in love with you. I love you Karma.

How do you not see how amazing you are? Karma you are beautiful, inside and out. You take my breath away by smiling. You are dreamy and positive. Your heart is in the right place. You care. You are beautiful. I wish you could see that.

I don’t have all the words to describe just how magnificent and lovely you are. I will never stop loving you. You aren’t someone you just stop loving. The love I have for you is one you write songs and stories about. I doubt I’ll ever get over you. You are my first true love. Forever and always.

 

You have my heart Karma. You always have. I’d be willing to do anything for you.

You’re pushing me away. That hurts. All of this hurts.

I feel so empty. I keep thinking I will run out of tears, but it hasn’t happened yet.

I can’t imagine my life without you in it. You make my life what it is.

I will be blind without you.

 

I’m not writing this to make you feel bad. I’m writing this to let you know just how much you matter.

 

I’ve never been good with emotions. But I know how I feel about you.

 

You said forever and always. Right now I need you Karma. I need you beyond the romantic sense. I need you, the best friend who always makes me laugh. The person who knows how to make me smile even on my worst days.

I can’t imagine a life without you Karma.

 

Please open you eyes and realize your own self worth and beauty. At the least remember you are worth it. Karma, you are always worth it.

 

Love,

Amy

 

Forever and Always.


	8. Chapter 8

Love,

Amy

 

Forever And Always

 

I took a deep breath. I put down my pen and sealed the letter.

I got ready for bed. I thought I as going to have another restless night of sleep. But as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out. I slept like the dead. It was such a deep sleep, it was a mere level above comatose. My alarm rang and I rolled over to turn it off.

For the first time in a long time, I felt rested, actually prepared to face the day.

At breakfast I was able to participate in conversation and eat like a normal person. I could see the obvious relief in my mom’s eyes. We were slowly returning to equilibrium.

Going to school Lauren gave me the silent treatment. I knew what I needed to do. I needed to give Karma my letter. It gave me a purpose and drive.

Once we were at school Lauren and I quickly parted ways. Lauren surprised me by giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze as we separated. I gave her a genuine smile. I felt like we could be friends somewhere down the line. For once I wasn’t horrified at the thought of her becoming my stepsister.

Shane caught up with me at my locker. “Good morning.”

“Good morning. Did you finalize your plans with Doug?”

“Well now that you mention it we did. He is pretty eager, to say the least.” Shane smiled mischievously.

I closed my locker and we started to walk to our classes. “You know you don’t look like crap today. It appears as if you got a good night sleep last night.”

“Actually, I did. For once I’m ready for the day.” I answered honestly.

“Good. Cause it’s time to get you on the market. You are a hot commodity Amy Raudenfield.”

“Hahaha. If you say so Shane.” I chuckled at his words, not taking him seriously.

“I’m on it don’t worry.”

“If you say so.”

I got to my class and waved at Shane. He winked at me and headed to his own class.

Today I tried harder to actively listen and participate. Everything was still foggy but words no longer bounced off of me. It was an improvement. It made me feel like I was getting somewhere.

Lunch rolled around. I had planned to give Karma the letter at the beginning of the period. I knew she always went to her locker before going to the cafeteria.

I rushed across the building so I could catch her. The closer I got the heavier my feet felt. I could feel the dread growing within my stomach. I forced myself to keep watching. I would hate myself even more if I didn’t give her the letter.

Once I laid eyes on her, it was like a wave of emotions crashed over me. My pain went from an ache to an explosion. I could feel my heart tearing.

Then she looked at me.

She didn’t want to see me. “Amy.”

“Karma.” I slowly approached her.

I handed over the letter.

We stood there. Looking at us now how could you have known that just days earlier we were best friends?

After another beat of awkward silence my mouth opened before I could close it, “Are we really going to do this?” Anger was thick in my voice.

“What?” Karma asked innocently.

“This.” I waved at the gap physically separating us.

“Amy.” Just hearing her say my voice made my heart race. “Don’t do this.”

Another punch was thrown, and made contact. I forced myself to breathe. I needed to know that she would read the letter. That she wouldn’t disregard it.

She was holding the letter limply in one hand as if it was going to bite her.

“Just promise me you will read it.” I said trying to stay calm and keep the pleading to a minimum.

“okay” She put the note in her bag and started to walk away.

“Forever and always.” I said aloud as she walked down the hallway.

She stopped dead in her tracks. She slowly turned to look back at me. Pain was written across her face. Then she turned and walked on.

That look when she turned back. It meant something, how could it not? That was the only thing I had left with Karma. I had her written words and I had that look as she turned her back on me. It was over. truly over.


	9. Chapter 9

I trudged back to the cafeteria. I felt lost like I was in an alternate universe where my body was detached from my mind. The haze had returned. My feet were moving but my brain was stuck on Karma walking out of my life.

I stepped into the doorway of the cafeteria peering in to spot Shane. He was sitting next to Liam. Then my eyes saw Karma. She was sitting arm and arm with Liam. Her cheeks were flushed. She looked like nothing happened, as if she were happy.

I felt my knees go loose. A bead of sweat trickled down between my shoulder blades. All I could see was Karma. Karma with that small reserved smile. Karma who only had eyes for Liam Booker.

I turned and ran blindly. My mind was shutting down. All I could see and hear were Karma’s words and looks cutting through me.

I burst through a door and was met with fresh air.

I collapsed to the ground. I hugged myself in a last ditch effort to physically keep myself in one piece. Mentally I crumpled into dust that was instantly swept into the wind. I could hear myself wailing like an animal that got struck by a car, waiting for death to come.

I could barely breathe. I didn’t understand why I didn’t die right then and there. My body was exploding with emotions. I couldn’t take anything else in. I could only expel emotions in attempts to rid myself of the pain that filled my body.

 

I don’t know how long I laid their stuck in fetal position wailing. As my tears slowed I felt rain pricking my skin.

I slowly unfurled myself. I tentatively tested each muscle. They screamed in protest. I sat up clenching my knees to my chest.

The rain gradually grew stronger, successfully washing my tears away.

Shane and Lauren sat next to each other in silence.

I cocked my head to the side. I rasped out “What are you two doing together?”

They looked at each other. They shared a look of annoyance and then turned back to face me. “Obviously we’re here for you.” Lauren said as if it was the most apparent thing. I didn’t even know it was possible for the pair to be in the same room without arguing.

“You ran out of the cafeteria as if something was chasing you. You have no idea how many people you freaked out as you violently stumbled up onto the roof.” Shane shook his head. The rain had matted his hair down. He looked tired, like a normal teenager instead of his normal King of Hester High.

I sat silently letting the rain hit me. I didn’t have the will to fight. I could feel my clothes sticking to my body, heavy from the rain.

“It’s time to get up. I’m not getting pneumonia.” Lauren said returning to her bossy self. The rain had made her hair curl and stick up at strange angles. Her makeup was smeared. I could see the goosebumps dotting her arms.

Shane followed Lauren’s lead. They walked towards me and gingerly pulled me to my feet. “It’s time to take you home.” Lauren said quietly as they guided me down the stairs.

I let them steer me. I wasn’t sure if I was awake or if I was dreaming.

The halls were empty as if the building was a ghost town. I had no clue what time or day it was. I didn’t care. I had no room left within me to care.

Once we got to the front doors Shane told us to wait so he could bring his car around.

I stood limp letting a wall support me. Lauren looked up at my face. She pursed her lips, then began to talk. “You shouldn’t let Karma have all this power over you. You’re better than that.”

I slowly turned my head to gaze at Lauren. Her eyes were clear and aflame with anger. Her lips were sealed in a tight thin line. She was seething. I opened my mouth willing the words to escape. Nothing came.

Shane pulled up to the curb. Lauren laced her arm into mine and tenderly guided me to the backseat of Shane’s car. She only closed the door after double checking my seatbelt making sure I was safe.

She moved quickly into the front seat. She returned to her normal bossy self, “Do you need directions?”

“I know how to get to your house. ” Shane said shifting the car into drive.

I was mesmerized as the rain drilled into the windshield. It was consistent and strong. I couldn’t bring myself to look away.

Shane pulled into our driveway and stopped the car. Lauren and Shane shared another look then turned to me. Without a word they got out of their seats and opened my door. They eased me out of the car and helped me to the door. Just as we stepped onto the porch my mom flung the door open.

“Oh Amy! Oh Dear. Oh come in, hurry before y’all get sick.”

Lauren and Shane shuffled me into the doorway. I involuntarily shook with the chills.

“Amy we need to get you into a dry set of clothes. She turned to look at Shane. “Thank you dear. We should have it from here.”

He nodded at my mom and shifted his attention to Lauren, “Call me when she is actually coherent, okay?”

Lauren shook her head in agreement. Shane touched my shoulder than jogged back through the rain to his car.

“We need to get you upstairs into fresh clothes then right into bed sweetie.” Mom said as she and Laruen simultaneously wrapped their arms around me to support me. As we moved up the stairs each of us was silent. Lauren and mom acted with great tenderness.They were soundless, focused on helping me.

We made it up the stairs and into my room. “Lauren grab a set of clothes for Amy.” My mom turned towards me. She paused and then grabbed the hem of my shirt. She swiftly pulled my shirt over my head. I was too tired and traumatized to be embarrassed. It was as if I had regressed to being a child who needed their parent to dress them.

My mom turned to Lauren who handed over an oversized tshirt, big baggy grey sweatpants and purple cotton underwear. Lauren was red faced as if she was the one standing wet and naked in a catatonic state. She immediately turned around to give me what little privacy she could.

My mom stripped off my pants, and then helped me step into the dry underwear. She did the same thing with the sweats. “There you go honey.”

“Let’s get you into bed.” She guided me to the bed. Lauren was standing next to my night stand. She had already lifted the covers back and grabbed an extra blanket form the closet.

My mom pulled the sheets up to my chin and tucked the blankets into my sides. She kissed my forehead. I could see the tears glistening in her eyes. She moved from the bed towards the door. “I love you Amy. Sleep tight. I’ll be in to check on you.” Lauren followed her out of my room.

Lauren eased the door shut. They paused outside my room. My mom began in hushed tones, “Lauren, what in the hell happened to Amy?”

“She got her heart broken, effectively ripped from her chest.”

“What?” My mom whisper shouted.

“Karma shattered her heart. Permanently. It’s over. Whatever they had it’s done.”

“I thought we had seen the worst. But I have never seen Amy like this before.” I could hear her sniffle loudly attempting to stay composed.

“She can only go up from here. When Shane and I found her up on the roof she had hit the bottom. Rock bottom.”

“the roof?”

“The roof.”

“Thank the lord that you and Shane were there.”

There was silence. I thought they had left but their voices returned. “How could Karma have done this?” My mom said failing to keep her voice down.

“I don’t think anyone quite knew how much Amy loved her, not even Amy.” Lauren answered in a low even voice.

“I thank my lucky stars for you Lauren. You are a God send. I’m so thankful for you helping my Amy.” I heard a stifled sob. The floor creaked as they walked away.

I laid motionless in my bed.

I was swathed in blankets, as if I was in a prolonged hug. It was a relief to have this type of pressure sitting on my chest. It was something physical and fathomable instead of just sheer emotional and mental devastation.

I couldn’t tell you when I actually descended into sleep. Sleep was blissful. It was an escape from the hand-crafted hell my life had become.

I woke up as my door randomly squeaked open and light spilled into my room. I saw Shane, mom, Bruce and Lauren check on me. I continued to let myself drift back to sleep praying for the pain to fade away.

*****

“Get up.”

“Amy get up.”

I clenched the blankets tight to my chest. Lauren threw off the blankets. I could feel the cold air pierce my skin.

“Jesus. You sweated through all of your clothes.” She said with a mix of shock and disgust.

I slowly pushed myself into a sitting position against my head board. I looked down at myself to see the light grey clothes I had gone to bed in had turned to a dark saturated grey color. My clothes clung to my skin, even my sheets were discolored with my sweat.

When I was asleep I didn’t feel overheated, hot or even warm. I felt frigid, as if I would never warm up.

Lauren’s voice returned to her normal bossy tone, “We are not repeating yesterday. I’m not going to bathe you. I’ll spare us both the embarrassment.”

“Thanks.” I murmured.

“Your welcome.”

Lauren turned to my dresser and grabbed a fresh set of clothes. She handed me the stack of clothes and nodded towards the bathroom. “Now go in there. You stink, shower. Then come down to breakfast. You’ve been asleep for 18 hours.”

My eyes shot wide open. I was definitely awake now. “18 hours?”

“18 hours.” Lauren confirmed. She pointed to the bathroom.

I eased myself off my bed and shuffled into the bathroom.

I placed my clothes on the counter next to the sink and closed the door. I twisted the hot water knob as far as it would go. I turned around and was met with my reflection.

I looked like a ghost. My face was drained of color. I looked sallow.My eyes were swollen. Even 18 hours of sleep couldn’t erase the dark circles beneath my eyes. Maybe I had died somewhere along the line. I knew deep down I had lost the person I used to be. Now I was someone inherently different, with no idea how or if I could go back to who I once was.

I didn’t want to think about all of the changes I had endured so I turned my back to the mirror. I quickly striped off my heavy wet clothes and stepped into the shower.

The water instantly burned my skin. The pain felt good. I could feel it heating my body. I started to scrub my skin. I wanted to cleanse myself of all the horrors. My skin was swiftly turning lobster red. It was a sign I was doing something right even if it was just cleaning myself. I eased the hot water down and washed my hair.

I stood in the shower leaning my head against the wall allowing the water to cascade over me. I was going to have to deal with what happened yesterday. I had to deal with the total rejection Karma had effectively created. In that moment, the present I wanted to focus on the warmth not the pain and biting thoughts Karma yielded.

The water slowly chilled. I turned the water off and took stock of myself. I still had two feet with my second toe being taller than my big toe. I had my two legs, my two arms, my hands, and my head. I couldn’t deny the fact that I was physically intact but mentally shattered.

I reached for a towel and began to dry myself. I brushed my hair and teeth. I finally peed and felt five pounds lighter. I picked up the clothes Lauren had hand selected. She had given me simple but comfortable blue jeans and my favorite shirt, the donut shirt. I gingerly put the clothes on. My skin was extra sensitive, I guess I had scrubbed a little too much. I felt raw like a newborn baby.

I descended the stairs into the kitchen. I could hear a mixture of voices at the table.

As I got closer I saw my mom, Bruce, Lauren and Shane digging into breakfast. I tentatively sat down in my normal seat.

My mom shoved a bowl of cheerios in front of me. Without pausing she poured milk. Only then did she look at me, “You need to eat up. You must be hungry after all that slumber.”

I returned her look blankly. She gestured at my spoon. I took her cue and started to eat my cereal wondering what was going to happen next. It was odd to have such a lively and friendly breakfast table. It seemed like every inch was covered with food.

Shane sipped his coffee watching me attentively. “I’m here to make today a good day.” He tried to smile but something was holding him back. His eyes were flat and his left eyebrow was elevated with apprehension.

“What Shane meant to say is that he volunteered to drive us. Then, Farrah made sure he came in and had breakfast.” Lauren corrected Shane. Shane threw her major shade.

I gobbled up my cereal. I didn’t know how hungry I was until I started eating. I couldn’t remember the last time I had ate. Could it have been yesterday morning?

“See honey, I told you you were hungry.” My mom smiled at me, but just like Shane the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“Oh, I made your favorite muffins.” She eagerly grabbed the plate of blueberry muffins across the table and plunked them down next to me.“I think you’ll have to eat them in the car if Shane doesn’t mind. You’re already running a little late. Plus, I made you girls lunch.”

She pushed her chair back and walked to the countertop. She returned with two paper bag lunches with our names written in thick pink marker across the front.

“Wow.” When was the last time my mom had made my lunch? My mom was looking at me expectantly, waiting. “I mean, thanks mom.” As I turned away I saw a quick flash of sadness cross my mom’s face.

The three of us started for the front door and Shane’s car. My mom followed us to the porch.

“Have a great day!” My mom yelled from the porch as we walked silently to the car.

Shane sat in the drivers seat, Lauren in the passenger seat and me in the back, same as yesterday. As Shane pulled out of the drive way I expected someone to address my complete breakdown. Instead, Lauren and Shane bickered about Shane’s driving skills.

Shane pulled into a distant and random parking spot from the main doors. As soon as I scooted out of my seat and started to walk to the building Lauren and Shane flanked me on either side.

“Shane you have my number, okay?” Lauren asked looking past me to Shane.

“Yeah. We’ll meet up at lunch, ok?” Shane replied as if this was a normal situation.

Lauren nodded in agreement. She redirected her attention to me. “Amy, you are going to have a fine day. Everything is okay. Shane’s going to be with you this morning. I’ll meet up with you at lunch.”

Lauren stared at me with open eyes that were clearly worried. I realized she was waiting for me to respond. I nodded. How long had Shane and Lauren worked to figure out this plan? Since when could they actually agree on something? I must have really freaked them out yesterday.

Lauren gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze and walked towards a different door.

I turned to look at Shane. I forced my jaw open and willed words to come out from my mouth. “Why aren’t we going our normal way?”

He took a moment to collect his thoughts. “We’re trying something different today.” They were making sure I avoided Karma.

He steered me through the building without a word. We stopped at our respective lockers and immediately went to class.

Shane stopped me before I went into my first class. He held my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “Look, Lauren and I have you covered today. You just need to say the word and one of us will be there for you.” He delivered each word slowly and clearly as if I didn’t know English.

“What word?” This was foreign to me. I didn’t know that anyone cared this much. I would never guess that I would end up here in the present moment.

“Help.”

I wanted to say it. **Help**. **Help**. **Help**. I have no idea what I’m doing. I need help. I need someone to tell me how to feel, how to act. **Help**.

I tried to comprehend his few but delicately chosen words. Lauren and Shane were fearful that I was going to have another nervous breakdown. In reality I had nothing left. There was no fuel left to burn.

Shane gave me a hug that lasted an abnormally long time. My arms were limp at my side as I felt his heart steadily beat through his thin shirt. He pulled away and looked at me with great sympathy and sorrow. He opened the door for me and I walked to my seat.

It was a return to the hazy days. Everyone kept looking at me with questioning eyes. As if they could tell that less than 24 hours ago I was laying in a puddle of my own tears in a catatonic state on the roof. But no one was brave enough to ask me what was wrong.

Shane escorted me from each class in extremely round about ways, avoiding Karma without actually saying her name. At lunch Shane steered me away from the cafeteria to a picnic table in the quad where Lauren already sat.

She took a quick glance at me before looking to Shane. “Did it work?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Shane nodded and pulled out his phone.

Lauren looked at me with a kind open face. “So, Shane and I are swapping for the afternoon. I’ll take you around for the rest of the day. Okay?”

I shook my head yes. It wasn’t really a question. Shane and Lauren were going to stay by my side regardless of what I did or did not say.

We sat there silently as each of us ate our lunches.

“So are we avoiding Karma?” I asked innocently.

Shane and Lauren simultaneously dropped their food. They sat gaping at each other wanting someone to blame for my realization.

“Don’t worry. No one said anything. I figured it out on my own.”

I took a deep breath filling my lungs with air. “Thanks, by the way.”

“It’s no problem.”

“None at all.”

“So. How are you guys actually getting along at this point?” I wanted to make light of the situation and redirect the attention away from myself.

Lauren spoke up first. “He is an awful driver.”

“Am not. She doesn’t appreciate my skills.” Shane sneered at Lauren.

“I’m glad some things haven’t changed.” I released a quiet chuckle.

The pair looked at me shocked. Yes, I could still see humor. Yes, I was at rock bottom. But Lauren and Shane were humorous together, especially when neither of them realized it.

We quietly returned to our respective meals. Lauren and Shane continued to verbally spar.

The bell rang. Lauren took me in the most obtuse way to each of my classes. I barely made it before the tardy bell rang.

I forced myself to listen but nothing connected. I looked at my incomplete notes that were barely even legible. I was going to have to get the notes from someone else.

During the last period of the day I raised my hand to use the bathroom. As I peed someone with familiar beat up black converse shoes walked into the stall next to mine. I flushed the toilet and walked to the sinks.

The girl next to me started to pee. I put soap on my hands and started to run them under water. I heard someone humming as they flushed the toilet and opened the stall door.

It was Karma.

This was when I needed to shout for help. I was paralyzed. Shane and Lauren needed to swoop in and save me.

I stood there as my sink stopped spewing water. I stared at Karma willing her to say something. She blatantly ignored me, as if I wasn’t even there. She washed her hands quickly then stepped right past me to the dryer. I was stuck gawking at her. She left without a word.

I stood their telling myself to wake up, this is all just a bad dream.

Except, this was reality.

The door opened and a random girl walked in. I realized I had been in the bathroom for an extended period of time. I dried my hands and sped out of the bathroom.

I put my hands to my face, pushing my hair behind my ears. My hands were met with tears. I had been crying without realizing it.

There was no way I was going back to class like this.

I walked to Shane’s car refusing to make eye contact with each person I walked past. I kept my head down and put one foot in front of the other like my life depended on it.

As I walked out the door the bell rang signaling the end of the day. It was then that I remembered that Lauren was going to meet me at my class. As I walked I texted Lauren: I’m heading to Shane’s car, can you pick up my stuff?

Lauren instantly texted me back: are you ok?

I responded: Yes. I’ll explain when Shane and you get to his car.

Shane arrived at the car, red and out of breath from running, “are you okay?” He rasped. He leaned over and started searching for his keys within his bag.

“yes.”

“Lauren just texted me saying you came to my car and that something was wrong.”

“It’s just that… I didn’t want to go back to class.”

Shane looked up at me. He wanted me to continue my story.

“Look, can we wait till Lauren gets here, then I’ll explain I promise.” I was surprising myself at how straight forward I was acting. I hadn’t thought twice since I left the bathroom. I just knew I didn’t want to repeat yesterday. One mental breakdown was more than enough.

“If you promise.”

Shane finally found his keys and unlocked the car. I sat in my normal seat in the back. Lauren threw open the passenger door and shoved both of our bags past the center console. “Amy?” She said with labored breaths as if she had run to the car.

“I’m okay.” I said looking forward.

“No you’re not.” She tilted her head to the side looking at me as if I had grown a second head. She straightened her head and I saw how terrified she was.

“No one can be okay after what we witnessed yesterday.” Shane added. The look of horror was mirrored in his face.

“I saw Karma. Ok?” I said quietly letting my voice trail off.

“And” The pair interjected.

Their eyes were fixed on mine.

I tried to evade their eye contact, but they didn’t let that happen. “She acted like I wasn’t even there.” I could feel myself burning with shame.

“That bitch.” Lauren exclaimed as she wiped at her sweaty brows.

“I can’t believe her. Shane started, “but something tells me there is more. Amy?”

I took a breath trying to focus on getting the right words out. “I think I need to get used to it. She broke my fucking heart and then acted like I didn’t exist.”

“You deserve someone better.”

“Much better.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think it could get any worse. I have to face the facts. It’s never going to happen. Never.”

Lauren and Shane shared a look. They turned back to me with eyes wide open. They were waiting and expecting me to dissolve into a mess of my own tears.

“I can’t avoid her my whole life. I can’t live my life revolving around her.” I said more to myself than to Lauren and Shane. They sat still giving me their undivided attention. “I can’t do that. I just can’t.”

“Okay, sweetie.” Shane patted my knee.

“Does that mean my days of escorting you are over?” Lauren said kindly with a little smile.

“As much as I love having an entourage, you guys don’t have to. Thanks though.” Shane and Lauren continued to look at me, scared and confused by how level headed I was acting.

Today had reinforced the fact that I couldn’t avoid Karma all the time no matter how hard I tried. “I can’t avoid her for the rest of my life. It’s not like I can do or say anything if she pretends I don’t exist.” I could feel my heart sink farther into my stomach.

“Amy, honey, it’s going to get better. I promise. Everyone kept asking about you today. Hester high is your oyster. You could be queen.” Shane said in attempts to raise my spirits.

Lauren rolled her eyes at his queen comment. She reached out and grabbed my hand. Lauren shared a look with me that communicated her sympathy and mutual sorrow. She squeezed my hand. “Shane’s right though. It’s going to get better, I promise.” She refused to look away. Her hands slowly warmed my chilled fingers. 

Shane started the car and exited the parking lot.

“One day” I said to myself. “One day.”

*****


	10. Chapter 10

That was the next six months for me. I took each day one at a time. Some days I moved a step forward. Some days I tumbled back a flight of steps. Lauren and Shane were there to catch me. I never could find the words to properly thank them and let them know just how much they meant to me. I think they understood it on a deeper level. I tried to be there for them and be the best friend possible but I always felt like I came short.

It took countless attempts but I did get Lauren to open up little by little. I learned just how hard the move from Dallas to Austin was. I learned about her crushes, her first kiss, her heart breaks and what it was like living with her dad. It turned out we had more in common than we thought. Both of us knew what it meant to be vulnerable and to live with the pain of heart break. We became more than friends, we were sisters. 

Shane kept pushing me to date and put myself out there. I caved, at first I went on double dates with him. After several catastrophic attempts I swore off double dates. I complied by going on dates. It wasn’t the worst thing. I met a lot of unique girls but I never truly connected with them. Physically it was great and relieving but part of me was always tucked away refusing to fully commit.

Karma continued to pretend that I didn’t exist. I could always sense her presence. I always spotted her in a crowd. But she never returned eye contact. I couldn’t help but wonder how she was doing. Did I haunt her like she haunted me? Would I know the answer to the questions that lingered in my mind? She never afforded me the opportunity to ask. I had to swallow my questions and pretend like it didn’t affect me.

One random saturday night/early sunday morning I was sound asleep when my phone buzzed to life on my night stand. I rolled over in my sleep attempting to ignore it. It continued to vibrate. I threw back the sheets and saw that it was 2:13 am. Who would possibly call me in the dead of night? I was shocked to see Karma’s name grace the screen. I felt my heart skip a beat. I grabbed for my phone and eagerly accepted the call.

“Hello?” I asked tentatively.

“Amy!” Karma yelled excitedly into the phone.

Was this actually happening? Was I awake? I pinched myself to make sure. I was definitely awake as my skin turned an angry red color. I guess Karma was crossing the void she had elaborately constructed.

“Karma? Is everything okay?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice. I have something big to tell you.”

“Karma.” I whispered.

“Why do you sound so concerned?” Karma asked her voice peaking at the end of her question. “I’m coming over. I’ll be there soon-

“Wait.” I said into the disconnected phone line.

What was going on? She was pretending as if the last few months had never happened. How could she just look past everything?

I didn’t have time to ponder the questions that plagued my mind. I peaked out of my window to see Karma stumbling onto my porch. I rushed down the stairs and opened the door as she shakily held a key to my house. I had long since forgotten that she had.

“Amy!” She squealed with delight.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

She swayed and sputtered. She was drunk, very drunk.

I put my arm around her stabilizing her. My skin burned with the contact of Karma’s soft skin.

We made it up the stairs and into my room. I sat her down on the corner of my bed. She precariously wobbled then stabilized herself by sitting back on her hands.

I slowly moved back to sit in my desk chair, attempting to keep space between us.

“Amy you look mad. Why are you mad?”

“Karma what are you doing?” I spat out.

I could feel myself sliding back into my old ways. I was breaking my own heart by allowing this to happen.

“I needed to talk to my best friend.” Karma pouted, giving her signature puppy dog eyes. “Best friend?” I could feel my hands start to shake. I put them in my lap begging myself to stay calm.

“Of course. Amy you’ll always be my best friend. Forever and always.”

I buried my face into my hands. That hurt. It pierced my soul and refused to let go. I thought I wanted to hear Karma say these words. I didn’t. I could feel all the pain that I had tried to move past come rushing back. “Karma.” I said, viciously wiping at my eyes. “What do you want?”

I needed to kick her out. I shouldn’t be so nice to her after the hell she put me through.

“Sweetie. I need to talk to you about Liam.”

“No.” I cut her off. Her eyes went wide. “I don’t want to hear it. Karma you need to sleep it off.”

“You’re right. I’m tired.” She yawned then pushed back the sheets on my bead. She crawled into what used to be her typical spot in my bed.

I sat there watching her as she quickly fell asleep. She was so beautiful. Her soft skin. Her auburn hair. Her curves. Everything about her was beautiful. I wanted to slip in next to her and pretend the last few months never happened.

That was a bad idea, a horrible idea I scolded myself. I tucked her into my bed. I physically ached for her touch.

I grabbed my pillow and a spare blanket from my closet and settled for sleeping on the floor. I rooted myself on the floor yelling at myself for getting into this situation.

I laid there listening to Karma’s even breaths. I was kidding myself if I thought I had gotten over her. I let her waltz back into my life after all the shit she put me through.

God, why did I let her do this again and again? I forced myself to think of something else. I counted one by one. I remember reaching 537 before I fell asleep.

 

All of a sudden a door slammed.

I bolted upright to see an angered Lauren standing behind a sheepish and red faced Karma. “What is she doing here?” Lauren demanded.

“Uhh….” Lauren tapped her foot impatiently. “Look she just came over. I didn’t invite her.

Lauren turned to Karma. “You need to leave. Right now.”

Karma looked at the ground scuffing her sock on the carpet. “I don’t even remember last night or how I came over here.” Her chin quivered.

I suddenly found my voice. “Look you called me then came over. I put you to bed that’s 

it.” Why was I protecting her? She didn’t deserve it but my heart longed to reach out, hold her and comfort her.

Okay.” She murmured.

“Seriously?” Lauren yelled. She stepped in between us. Karma finally looked up. “Karma you have caused enough pain. Just leave, ok?”

Karma’s face blushed a deep crimson color. She quietly moved to the door. She paused with her hand on the door knob. With her back to me she quietly said, “Thanks for taking care of me.” She turned the knob and walked out without a second look or word.

“Jesus. Who does she think she is?” Lauren brushed at her bed head. “Amy, don’t let her do this to you.”

“Do what?”

“This.” Lauren jabbed to the disheveled bed and my makeshift bed on the floor. “You know how much she hurt you. I don’t need to remind you. Don’t let yourself fall back into the pit. You barely survived it the first time.”

I felt myself physically shrink as I thought back to the day Shane and Lauren found me on the roof. “You’re right.” I whispered.

“Of course I’m right.” Lauren said with confidence. “Now get your ass up. All this drama made me hungry. You owe me breakfast.”

“Ok.”

“I’m inviting Shane too.”

“Really?” They would never let me forget this.

“Yes. We are leaving in 20 minutes.”

She spun on her heal and strutted out of the room before I could respond.

Once I was alone I finally thought about last night.

Jesus.

I couldn’t believe that Karma had actually said something to me. It seemed impossible that she actually came over in the middle of the night and slept over.

Was she okay?

I reached out for my phone. I stared at the blank screen. I could text her. But what was I supposed to say? It was the right thing to make sure she was okay, right? The phone felt heavy. I could feel my hand sinking with its weight.

Before I could stop myself I unlocked my phone and texted Karma: are you okay?

I set my phone down and picked clean clothes from my dresser. As I slipped on a simple white vneck tee I heard my phone buzz.

Karma: yeah

i’m fine.

thanks for taking care of me.

 

I could feel the detachment in the text.

I slipped on a pair of sweats and stowed my phone in my back pocket.

It was too much. I didn’t want to go back. I couldn’t go back to how it used to be.

She said she was fine. I didn’t owe her anything. I needed to let her be. She didn’t want anything from me.

I brushed my teeth staring at my reflection. It had only been in the last few weeks where color had returned to my face. The circles under my eyes were fading.I no longer looked like a ghost. I looked like an actual human being. I lazily threw my hair in a low pony tail and went downstairs.

“All right, we’re going now.” Lauren shoved me out the door.

We drove in silence to Shane’s house.

Shane came out haphazardly in grey sweatpants and a white bro tank. It was rare to see him in anything less than a prepared and tailored outfit. “I need to hear everything.” He interjected as he buckled himself in.

“Look, can’t we have coffee first?” I pleaded.

I hadn’t figured out what actually happened in the last 8 hours. I was still searching for the right words.

“Fine. But don’t even think about skimping on the details.”

“You know we wouldn’t let her get away with it.” Lauren kept her eyes on the road.

I stared down at lap. My phone remained silent in my pocket. I didn’t know what to expect. That was a lie. I wanted the phone to come to life with a phone call or even a text from Karma.

Lauren pulled into the parking lot and shifted the car into park. We got out of the car and headed into a quaint Austin breakfast restaurant. We settled into a booth when a waitress walked past and began to fill our coffee cups. “Do y’all know what you want?”

“Can I get scrambled eggs with wheat toast, please?” Shane asked politely.

“I’ll have the same.” Lauren added.

“Can I have a blueberry muffin?” I asked.

She nodded and wrote down her orders. “All right. I’ll be back soon with your food.

Lauren and Shane shifted their attention to me. They didn’t look angry, they looked concerned, as if I was going to falter and break.

“Look. She called me drunk. Then appeared at my doorstep.” My voice was weak.

“Who does she think she is?” Shane sipped his coffee and shook his head.

“I nearly pissed herself when I saw her in our bathroom this morning.” Lauren said with a straight faced.

Shane couldn’t help but giggle. “I would have loved to see that.”

Lauren ignored Shane and called me out on my lie. “That’s bullshit.”

Shane backed her up. “She’s right and you know it.”

I played with my coffee cup. “It’s not like this is going to change anything.”

“It better not.” Shane added.

Tears prickled at my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks. “She broke my heart and walked out of my life. And now this after months…”

Lauren grabbed my hand. “Amy.” She said kindly. I looked into her eyes and was met with her soft round face. She wasn’t looking down at me. She was reassuring me, being there for me in her own way.

“I’m not going to let her back in. She’s already caused enough damage.” I wanted to believe my own words. I thought if I said them aloud it would make it true.

Shane looked at me with pity.

We all knew the devastation Karma had wrecked.

After a minute of polite silence, Shane took control of the conversation. A coy smile emerged. “Let me tell you guys about my night.”

Lauren rolled her eyes but let him continue. Shane went on about the latest hot guy he met and hooked up at from the Twain. I tried to feign excitement.

I was pleased when our meal was delivered and we dug in. Shane went on about the date. Lauren moaned and groaned. Recently she had been on a set of slightly disastrous dates. She wanted to find someone more than she actually verbalized. A small part of her was jealous of Shane who connected so easily with people.

We finished our meals, paid and left.

Lauren dropped Shane back off at his house. As he opened the door and got out of the car he looked at us with open, honest and passionate eyes, “Amy you have to let it go or it will eat you alive. Be honest with yourself.” He nodded at us then left going into his house.

Lauren carefully reversed out of his driveway and started back to our house. She opened her mouth and spoke evenly, “You know he’s right. And I hate to give Shane credit.”

“I know.” I murmured.

The rest of the car ride was peaceful silence. Our relationship had gotten to the point where we enjoyed each other’s company and didn’t need to fill every waking moment with chatter.

Through the entire day Lauren stuck by my side. She didn’t allow me to be alone with my thoughts. I was grateful. I knew my thoughts could easily consume me.

That night for some stupid reason I let myself sleep in Karma’s spot. I could smell her lavender shampoo on the pillow. I missed that smell. I fell asleep thinking of Karma and the hope that maybe just maybe she was thinking of me too.


	11. Chapter 11

I tossed and turned the entire night. It was a relief when my alarm clock rang out signaling the start of a new day.

Throughout the morning Lauren kept shooting me strange looks. I couldn’t decipher her expression. As we walked to lunch I called her out, “What’s with the looks?”

“It’s my face get over it.” She redirected her focus looking away from me.

“Lauren, seriously what’s up?”

Her footsteps slowed then stopped altogether. When she turned to look at me I was surprised to be met with Lauren looking worried instead of her typical frustrated expression.

“It’s just like, today you are way more excited than you have been. I know it’s because of Karma. And, I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

I gently enveloped her in a hug. She melted into the crook of my shoulder. As we pulled apart I gave her a small smile, “I know you’ll never let me get hurt again. I’d do the same for you.”

A small blush started to creep up Lauren’s cheeks. She started to walk again. “Yeah. I have been waiting to exact some revenge.”

“Let me hear it.” I replied playfully.

A huge grin spread on Lauren’s face as she animatedly told me of an elaborate scheme that was better fit for the movies than real life. 

We planted ourselves at our table where Shane had already started eating. “What’s got you ladies so smiley?”

“Lauren is an evil mastermind.” I chuckled.

“Ooh, fill me in.” Shane was thrilled to hear Lauren’s newest plans.

Lauren started over again sprinkling in new details here and there. All of us were consumed by the visual Lauren painted.

“Hey.” A small voice interrupted Lauren in the middle of a sentence.

The three of us looked up to see Karma standing hesitantly by our table. My heart skipped a beat. Lauren’s eyes narrowed. Shane put on his best bitch face, “Yes?”

“Can I talk to Amy?” Karma asked nervously.

Before Lauren and Shane could cut Karma down I found my voice, “Let’s take a walk.”

“Amy!” Lauren and Shane yelled in protest.

Somewhere within me confidence surged, “I’ll be back in five minutes. If I’m gone any longer than that you can chase me down.”

I didn’t wait for their response.

I could sense Karma’s apparent relief as we walked away from the table.

“Thanks.” Karma said gratefully.

There was so much I wanted to say. My brain was bursting with words. There was a log jamb that stopped the words from reaching my mouth and exploding into the open.

My palms became slick with nervous sweat.

What had I gotten myself into?

We turned into the main building. Karma sank down to the ground. I mirrored her movements.

“Look about last weekend-” Karma started. 

“It’s not a big deal.” I cut in.

I scolded myself. It was a big deal. There I go letting her off easy! She’s going to hurt you yet again.

“No. It wasn’t okay.” Karma said interrupting my internal dialogue. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just needed to talk to someone.” She picked at her nails chipping away at the black nail polish. “You were way too kind to me, after all I’ve done.”

What was I supposed to say to that? “You would have done the same for me.” Hell no! She wouldn’t have done the same thing. Why am I comforting her when I should be telling her how much she devastated me? I should be getting the answers to the questions that haunted my dreams.

“We both know that’s a lie.” Karma replied avoiding my eyes.

She looked up from her hands in her lap setting her gaze on my face. “I’m sorry, for everything. I should have said that a long time ago.”

Her green eyes were dull, empty and dark. They had lost the shine that I remembered so distinctly. It was clear she was in pain. And after everything I wanted to do something to take the pain away and make her feel better.

“I want to be friends again.”

I practically gave myself whiplash as I straightened my back and snapped my head around. “Huh?”

Her jaw dropped. “huh?” She repeated.

“Can we really go back though?” I asked stating the obvious.

Tears formed in her eyes. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but my brain restrained me and kept me in control.

“Can’t we try?” She implored.

I paused. Could we? After all that’s happened could we be friends?

“I guess.”

In my peripheral vision I saw Lauren and Shane speed walking towards us.

“Look, Amy. I’m sorry. But I’m going to fight for our friendship.”

It was music to my ears. “Okay.” I smiled my first genuine smile in who knows how long. “Let’s start with lunch tomorrow. You know where we sit, right?”

She nodded.

I got up as Shane and Lauren encroached on our space.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said giving her a small wave. I turned and walked to Shane and Lauren before they could say something to Karma.

They followed me back to our normal table peppering me with questions. As we sat down I finally spoke up. “You know what? It felt good to be the person leaving instead of being left behind.”

Lauren and Shane stopped. They shared a quick glance. They weren’t expecting that type of response.

Lauren recovered first. “What did she want?”

“She wanted to apologize.” I started to dig into my sandwich.

“And?” Shane’s eyes were wide and questioning, he hated being out of the loop.

I looked down at the table studying the wood work. “She says she is going to fight for our friendship.” I murmured, realizing just how ridiculous that sounded.

I knew what their reaction would be disappointment. I didn’t need to look at them to know. I could feel it through their stares. 

They waited for me to look up. I slowly lifted my head and was met with their steady gazes.

“Amy, don’t do this to yourself.” Lauren spoke calmly staring into my eyes.

I felt myself blush. I was caught in the act. The act of loving Karma.

“She’s not worth it.” Shane added, his eyebrows raised in apprehension.

I looked at the pair. They were the ones who cared and looked after me. I knew they were right. I couldn’t let Karma waltz back into my life free of consequence.

“You’re right.” I rubbed my face. I was confused and over emotional.

“Of course we are.”

The bell rang and we got up from our seats.

Shane and Lauren moved to either side of me. I reached for their hands attempting to capture their strength. I felt their steady pulses. I wished I could have their resolve and outlook. I knew they both had their issues but every day they were able to put on their best face. How did they do it day after day?

As I turned into my classroom, I could feel their lingering gazes on my back pleading me to make smart decisions and hold Karma accountable for all the pain she caused.

I found my seat and hunkered down grateful for the opportunity to listen instead of talk. I pulled out my notebook. But I wasn’t able to pay attention to the lecture. My mind was stuck on Karma and what Shane and Lauren had told me.

I silently promised myself not to let her break my heart again. I refused to return to that dark and dismal place she put me.

I started to write down the questions I needed Karma to answer

Why did you drive me away?

Why now?

What changed?

What happened to forever and always?

**you really fucking hurt me**

 

I couldn’t move past the last sentence. Karma had really fucking hurt me. There was no other way to say it.

I could never forget how it felt laying on the roof wailing, unable to move or think. That wasn’t something I would ever be able to forget no matter how hard I tried.

The bell rang and I found my way to the next class.

I was able to focus after getting my words out on the page.

The rest of the day passed by normally. I let myself get caught up in the ebb and flow of Hester High.

At the end of the day I found Shane and Lauren. They had the same concerned looks on their faces from lunch. It was hard to look past their expressions.

“As much as I love being the center of attention, can we not do this right now?” I asked as we walked to Shane’s car.

“Well, now that you have said that. I do need to get a new dress. I have a date on Friday.” Lauren said with a coy smile.

“Shut up! With who?” I was thrilled for her.

“It’s this guy I know from Austin. His name is Danny.”

“Give us the details.” Shane demanded. He had a wide grin on his face. He loved hearing about everyone’s love life.

“He’s perfect.” Lauren genuinely smiled. “Pablo actually got the date to happen. I have known Danny forever.”

“What does he look like?” Shane asked craving more details.

“He’s six feet tall, has black hair a little longer than yours Shane. He has bright blue eyes. He wears hipster glasses but actually pulls the look off.” Lauren’s voice rose in excitement as she detailed how handsome Danny was. In the past she had mentioned Danny. I knew they had grown up together and he sounded like a decent guy. It made me happy to see Lauren happy. She deserved it.

We spent the afternoon helping Lauren find the perfect outfit for her date. She settled for a yellow sundress that showed off her pretty petite frame. It wasn’t hard to find something she looked good in. She had natural beauty that made her look gorgeous in anything.

Shane drove us back home. We kept feeding Laruen with questions and anecdotes for her date. I wouldn’t admit it, but god, it felt good to be like a normal teenager. Hanging out with friends, getting excited over dates, being genuinely happy.

Lauren and I got out of the car grabbing our bags and Lauren’s new dress. Shane rolled down the window, “Don’t forget.”

“Forget what?” Lauren asked.

He looked past Lauren to me. He stared me in the eyes, “To be honest.”. His words were intended for Lauren but directed at me.

He rolled his window back up and with a wave he drove away.

It was like a flashback to one of the first times Shane and I had truly hung out. “You have to be honest with yourself.” His words echoed in my head.

Lauren was already climbing the stairs into our house when she asked, “What was that about?”

I took a breath and composed myself. I followed Laruen into the house. “You have to be honest with yourself. How can you expect someone else to be truthful if you can’t be honest with yourself?”

Lauren paused then swiveled to look at me. I knew I looked distraught, I was experiencing crazy déjà vu. It was like the last few months had faded away and I was that scared girl coming to grips with her feelings all over again.

“He’s right. He always has good advice.” Lauren answered and immediately snapped, “Don’t tell him I said that.” She snapped.

We walked up the stairs then retired to our respective rooms.

I forced myself to do my homework. I refused to let myself fall back to autopilot.

At dinner Lauren filled our parents in about her date. They were thrilled for her. We were all happy for Lauren.

After dinner I returned to my room and sank onto my bed.

I looked up at my scarred ceiling. I had viciously ripped off the stars that Karma and I had put up as little kids leaving my ceiling wounded. Now the stars were in a box stacked in my closet with the other remnants of my friendship with Karma.

I thought back to my questions for Karma.

Was it worth it?

Who was I kidding. I would never be able to turn my back on Karma. The truth was I needed her. She made me feel complete. Without her I lost a part of my self I would never be able to get back.

I needed to tell her. I needed her to understand how important she was and how utterly vulnerable she made me.

My walls were down, my foundations were shaky. But I was ready to admit that I needed help. I was ready for a change.


	12. Chapter 12

“You look bright eyed and bushy tailed.” Shane said as he checked me out.

“She has a plan.” Lauren said irked at how awake we were. Lauren is only capable of having a conversation after she has a cup of coffee and breakfast. I was typically the same if not worse. Lauren cared about her appearance so she had to get up even earlier. Me, I could care less. I liked my sleep more than my style.

Shane looked at me expectantly.

“So here’s the thing. I need help.” I stated.

They continued to stare at me as if I had grown a second head.

“I told Karma she could sit with us today at lunch.” I waited for them to get mad and make a snide comment. Instead, they watched and waited for what I was going to say next.

“I can’t just let her back into my life as if nothing happened. Some feelings never die.” I rubbed my hands on my jeans trying to wipe off the nervous sweat. “But I don’t want that. I have questions that I need answers too. I need you to hold me to that. I need you to promise me that you won’t just let her waltz back into my life and that I have to ask these questions.”

I looked up into Shane and Lauren’s faces. I expected to see anger. I didn’t see anger, just sadness and comprehension.

“You know I never thought you would actually ask for help.” Lauren added. She paused to collect her thoughts and picked her words carefully. “I mean you are actually being responsible about your feelings.”

“This is why I prefer hooking up.” Shane commented quickly realizing that his comment wasn’t quite appropriate for this conversation. “We’ll help you. Just know that sometimes regardless of the questions you ask, you might not get the answers you want to hear.”

“Yeah.” I said in a small voice. “Yeah, you’re right.”

We walked to class stuck in our own thoughts. Lauren broke the silence, “So does that mean I have to be nice to her?”

I let out a sharp cackle that surprised myself. Lauren and Shane both let out a giggle too. “No. Be yourself. Just let her sit.”

Lauren raised an eyebrow but bit her tongue.

I pulled up to my first class door. “So I’ll see you guys at lunch then?”

Lauren and Shane nodded in agreement.

“Don’t forget I asked for help.”

“We won’t.” Shane gave me a small smile. They turned to walk down the hallway.

I walked into class as the bell rang.

I wasn’t dreading lunch. I wasn’t drowning in my thoughts. I had a game plan and an established fall back. Maybe it was just a false sense of security, but for once I didn’t feel like I was falling off the ledge into the great abyss. I had both feet firmly planted on the ground.

I got through my morning classes virtually unscathed. Each class I reminded myself about lunch and forced myself to reread the questions I had for Karma. That way they were fresh in my mind and I had no excuse to forget them.

Lunch arrived.

I took steady measured steps out to the quad to what had become my normal table.

Lauren and Shane plopped down on either side of me.

“What do you think I should do for my first date, I was thinking dinner and a movie. Something traditional.” Lauren was trying to play down her excitement about her date with Danny. It was clear that she was nervous but didn’t want to show it.

“And you know what I told her?” Shane interjected, “be bold. Don’t just test the water, jump in. You should do something exciting, not the boring regular old stuff.”

I gave Lauren a sympathetic look. “What does he like to do?”

“Well, we always used to play games. Our favorite game was checkers. We loved puzzles. We could sit for hours just working on a puzzle together.” Lauren drifted into the past with a warm smile on her face.

I thought aloud, “In Austin there has to be some type of old school game place… There’s a pin ball place off of Third and West.”

Lauren’s electric blue eyes lit up. “That’s perfect! This date is going to be awesome.”

I smiled at her. I hadn’t seen her this genuinely excited in forever. I wanted her to be happy. I was hoping Danny could do that for her.

Karma slowly approached the table as if we were going to snap at her.

She quietly put her tray down and looked at the three of us.

“Hey.” She said timidly.

“Hey.” I said, I couldn’t help but smile.

She hesitated waiting to be banished from the table. After a moment of silence she took a seat.

“So.” Karma started struggling for words.

“What’s up?” Was I really that corny and unoriginal?

Shane exhaled noisily. “Look you guys need to talk. Lauren and I are leaving. Amy you have your questions, don’t leave until you your answers.” Shane and Laruen picked up their stuff and started to walk away.

“What about help?” I pleaded at their backs.

Lauren looked back over her should, “Now or never. Amy, you aren’t that same person anymore.”

I looked down at my food. I had lost my appetite. Did they really get up and leave me here?

“They really hate me, don’t they?” Karma stated.

“No… well yeah, actually they do.” I said sheepishly.

I looked at Karma. Her face was shiny with sweat.

“Look… it’s just” I stopped myself, I could feel my heart hammering threatening to burst from my chest.

“I get it.” Karma interjected. She looked down, avoiding my eyes. “I don’t blame them.”

Did Karma just own up to all the pain she caused?

“Karma, why did you call me and then come over?” I asked honestly. I needed to get to the questions before I could wuss out.

Karma looked up. I could see the fear peaking through her expression. “You know I’m with Liam right?”

I nodded. Shane kept me up vaguely up to date. Shane and Liam were best friends. I wasn’t going to come between them. Shane and I figured out how to make it work.

“It’s just you know, I needed, I mean I have needed someone to talk too. And it makes me sad to think that the only person I can and want to talk to you about it is you. So last weekend I had been drinking and I let myself believe/dream that we could go back.” She rambled.

I waited making sure she was finished talking. “Is that what you want?”

Her face perked up. I caught a glimpse of her dimples as her mouth curled into a smile. “Yeah! Yes, that’s what I want.”

Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ.

I kept telling myself to stay strong, to hold out. Just stay strong. You have been down this road before. You can’t forget and look past all that she’s done. Don’t do this to yourself.

“Amy?” Karma asked her expression disintegrating.

I could feel tears threatening to betray me by escaping and rolling down my face. I clenched the table trying to ground myself in the moment.

“Amy?”

I could feel my heart in my throat practically cutting off my voice.

“Karma you broke my fucking heart.”

I could audibly hear the air whoosh out from her lungs. She wasn’t expecting my raw honesty.

I swallowed hard and found my voice. “I don’t even have the words for how much pain you caused. That’s the thing though, I love you, always have, always will. I can’t say no to you.”

It was the truth. It hurt. With each word I spat out my chest felt a little lighter and it was easier to breathe.

There was no stopping now. “Why did you drive me away? Was I not good enough? I’m never fucking good enough. Jesus, you don’t even know about these last few months. You acted as if I didn’t even exist. What about forever and always? Karma you said forever and always and I trusted you. I opened up to you. Then you left. You walked out of my life. You left me shattered then you come back as if nothing ever happened. You really fucking hurt me.”

I was sweating as if I had run a marathon. I mopped my brow attempting to wrap my head around my newfound courage.

I looked at Karma trying to see the effect my words had on her. Tears streamed down her face. She was biting her lip, trying not to breakdown.

I couldn’t stop myself, “Did it hurt you like it hurt me? You haunt me every night and every day. I can’t forget you.”

Karma broke down, sobs racked through her chest.

I stayed rooted in my seat. Refusing to comfort her and allow her to get away with it. I needed answers. She needed to explain herself. I needed her. I calmly waited for her cries to subside. I’d wait. I would do what she never did for me.

I grabbed a tissue from my pocket and handed it to her across the table. She wiped at her face.

She shook her head and shot her words out in tight terse breaths, “I shouldn’t even be the one crying right now.”

“Sometimes you need to let the tears out. I know I needed to and did.”

My words did nothing to resolve the situation.

I stared across the table trying to see the subtle changes in Karma.

“You’re staring at me pretty hard core right now.”

“You never realized how breathtakingly gorgeous you are Karma.”

“Stop.” She barked.

“Stop what?”

“Being so nice.”

“Nice?”

“Yes, I wish you would kick and scream. I feel awful about what happened and everything I did. I shouldn’t be the one crying. You deserve more, better.”

I cut her off, “Karma.” Her name tasted sweet on my lips.

“Look, I meant what I said about fighting for our friendship. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll sit at this table until the end of time.”

The bell rang but we sat frozen in our seats. Both of us refused to break the moment.

I still had my questions. The bell rang calling for the start of class. The quad was empty except for us.

We sat in silence, letting the words sink in.

I felt sick. This wasn’t what I planned or thought was going to happen. I expected raw anger and some feeling of satisfaction. Instead, all I felt was sadness and confusion.

“Look I’m sorry.” Karma said trying to pull herself together.

I continued to stare at her. Where was she going with this? It wasn’t enough just to simply apologize.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

My eyes went wide. “Why did you walk away then?”

“Because I was scared and it felt like the thing to do in the moment. I thought space would help. I was wrong, ok? I didn’t know how much I hurt you.”

“Karma words hurt, actions hurt. You left me emotionally dead. If it wasn’t for Lauren and Shane I wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Amy I’m sorry.”

“Just saying your sorry doesn’t mean anything.” I angrily spat out.

“That’s why I’m willing to work on this.” She gestured between us. “Isn’t that something?”

Was it?

Was it enough?

Karma pleaded, “Look, let’s start from the beginning.”

I spoke evenly, “We need rules. I’m not getting my heart broken again, especially after I started to put the pieces back together.”

Karma sniffled loudly. “What are you saying?”

“You know what? I have been dreaming that you would come back into my life and suddenly want to be my friend again-“

“Well I’m here-“

“That’s the thing. My heart wants it so bad. But I need to know, will you ever love me?”

Karma looked down at her hands and took a deep breath. She looked back up at me with glassy sad eyes. She quietly spoke, “No Amy, I won’t, not like that.”

A small part of me broke away. I made myself count to ten before starting again. “Fine. So I won’t put myself in those positions again. But no talking about your sex life. No woe is me because I have a caring boyfriend. I can’t do that.”

“Okay.” She said meekly.

“No hugging, no touching. None of that stuff. I would explode if you did that.”

“Okay.” She repeated.

“And you have to promise me something”

“Anything”

“If you are going to leave me again you can’t come back. It’s now or never.”

She slowly nodded her head in agreement. She was finally seeing the pain she caused.

“Forever and always.” She whispered.

I completely lost it, “You know you really fucking hurt me, Karma. You abandoned me, left me when I needed you most.”

I took a deep breath attempting to recollect myself. “I don’t know if we can ever go back.”

“We can try.” Karma begged.

“Why now?” I demanded.

Her voice was even as if she had practiced what she was going to say. “Because we both know deep down how important our friendship is. How we complete each other. I’m tired of letting my fears win. I’m sick of having no one to talk too. I need you Amy. And, I know you need me too.”

Did I need her? I once thought I would die without Karma. But I proved that wrong. I used to think and be a lot of things. But that was then and this is now.

“Just say yes.” Karma leaned over the table, closing in on the space between us.

What did I want? I wanted Karma. It was like she was my fix.

My brain seized control. “One day at a time.”

Karma sank back into her seat, “What?”

“One day at a time. Let’s just take this day by day. That’s what I can do.” I was proud of myself for staying strong and refusing to cave into Karma’s wishes.

“One day at a time.” Karma repeated to herself trying to be okay it. “I can do that.” She pretended to be satisfied.

We sat there in pure awkwardness. Neither of us knew what to say or where to go from there. It was like we had reached a crossroad but had no clue where to go next.

“So.” I said trying to breathe life into our conversation. “How bout the weather?”

Karma kept swallowing like she was trying to keep her words down. Karma suddenly asked, “Is this really how it’s going to be?” She didn’t want to hear my honest answer. “This, us, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I never wanted this.”

“Do you think I did?” I yelled at her.

She dejectedly murmured “No, just. I’m sorry okay.”

“Karma, do you want to know what happened the day I gave you the letter?” I didn’t wait for her to respond. “I saw you with Liam right after that. You were fine. Like nothing had happened. I don’t know how my heart didn’t just give out and stop beating in that very moment. I was anything but fine. I somehow got myself onto the roof and had a complete nervous breakdown. Shane and Lauren had to practically carry me home in the pouring rain. And you know the only thing I could feel was agony. The agony you caused because you chose not to deal with me and my feelings. Shane and Lauren brought me home soaking wet. And when I finally got home you know what happened? My mom and Lauren carried me to my room. I was basically catatonic. My own mother had to literally strip me, her sixteen year old daughter, out of my wet clothes and change me into something dry. They put me to bed and I slept like the dead, and I wished I was dead. You nearly killed me Karma. You ripped my heart out. You never wanted this? Do you think I wanted to have to get up each day and deal with my living nightmare? Each day has been a struggle. Yeah, I’m here but don’t ever say it was easy or that I caused this.”

I was standing over the table looming precariously over Karma. My neck veins bulged threatening to pop.

The tears on Karma’s face were fresh. She sat there lost for words.

“So we’re nothing?” Karma asked in a tiny voice.

I took a breath and sat back down. “I’m going to give us a chance. I know if I didn’t I would regret it for the rest of my life. So yes, we can be friends, but this isn’t going to be easy. That’s not how it works. But I will try and maybe one day we can find our way back to being good friends but that’s not going to be today, tomorrow or the next day.”

She sat silently absorbing my words. “Okay.” She swallowed. “Okay.” She said in a louder, firmer tone. “Okay.”

“So I guess I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow?” She said with thick apprehension, holding herself back.

“Yes.” I said getting up from the table. “Yeah, that would be good.”

I started to walk away when her voice called me back. “Amy, I always meant it when I said forever and always.” I paused digesting her words and our entire conversation.After standing stock still for what felt like hours I put one foot in front of the other and walked away.

*****


	13. Epilogue

Karma continued to sit with us at lunch every day. Soon both Karma and Liam became a permanent fixture at our lunch table.

It wasn’t easy by any measure. But Karma and I actively worked at our friendship. We called out the bullshit. We fought. We laughed. We cried.

She continued to go out with Liam. She supported me dating other girls.

We got to the point where we accepted each other and were able to move past my one sided love affair and the catastrophic after shocks.

We were friends – forever and always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end for this story. Thank you for reading.


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